Doug Stanhope: “I’m Happy as Shit.”

by Tom Keller

photo by Chris Saunders
















Doug Stanhope’s newly released album From Across the Street is exactly what you’d expect– that is, if you’re a sick and twisted human being.

How many comics today could get away with comparing themselves to the 9/11 hijackers? How many could ask an audience if love would still exist without monogamy, then let the silence linger for a few deafening seconds before bringing the house down? How many could seamlessly weave tales of humanity’s self-inflicted doom with kiss-and-tell stories about a transvestite hooker? How many could honestly say, “I don’t want the audience to agree with me,” and still be so beloved that they sell out shows across the planet?

Only one— Doug Stanhope, the best tightrope walker in stand-up today. A refreshingly caustic and endlessly intelligent showman, Stanhope compares his act to fetish porn: Not for everybody, but those who like it will come a long way to see it. His latest album, From Across The Street on Stand Up! Records, is a one-of-a-kind masterpiece that’s equal parts terrifying and gut-buckling. Catching up with Punchline Magazine on a recent East Coast swing, Stanhope talked about why he’s comfortable right where he’s at: on the fringe.

How’s South Florida treating you?
I haven’t done anything yet except sit in the hotel and get room service. I’m in Orlando tonight, Ft. Lauderdale tomorrow and Tampa on Saturday, and then going to the Bucs-Saints game on Sunday.

What’s the occasion?
I’ve probably been to a half dozen games in my life, but it worked out that the Bucs are at home against my favorite team on my girlfriend’s birthday.

Why the Saints love?
Always the perennial losers.

But they’re 9-0. (Now 10-0.) Haven’t they forfeited the underdog status?
It’s a cake-and-eat-it-too thing. But over the years they’ve been one of the all-time losers and I grasped onto that early on. Like the Patriots. I fucking loved the Pats, and then they became the Dallas Cowboys of the last decade and now it’s hard to root for them. But there’s always a Cleveland Browns or Detroit Lions. I was a Cardinals fan anyway before the Super Bowl last year so that was one of the best Super Bowls ever, but if it continued as a trend it would lose its fun.

A lot of people want to see victories as an extension of themselves. ‘Hey, I bought merch so I’m part of the team!’ You didn’t win anything. We’re all out a hundred bucks for going to the game. I have no problem changing allegiances even mid-game if someone I’m rooting for is losing. I’ll go to the concession stands and change jerseys, especially if the Bucs are wearing those old orange ones. I’ve got my Ricky Williams Saints jersey ready. He’s my favorite athlete ever – he chose to get high and quit. That’s a fucking hero.

He’s gone on record that he’s going to retire in 2010, you know. He’s already a licensed massage therapist.
That’s awesome. That’s a hand release that would be scary.

Have you always been an NFL fan?
NFL all the way, and of course the XFL. Remember how that had great numbers on NBC the first week and then immediately nosedived? Everyone was stunned by the viewership of that first week. I was a big Vegas Outlaws fan, and my best friend in Alaska and I became mortal enemies before the season even started. ‘Fuck the San Francisco Demons!’ We started a rivalry before they even could. We went to a game in Vegas and left somewhere in the third quarter because we were the only ones who were enjoying it for its camp value. There were fights breaking out in the stands with complete pumpkin-headed drunkards. We were scared. We just assumed everyone else was there for the same reason as us – morbid tongue-in-cheek humor.

Do you subscribe to any stadium etiquette standards?
More often, I have to curb myself. There’s a town of about 6,000 in Arizona called Bisbee that has some baseball team slapped together in a makeshift league. They draw maybe 50 or 60 people a game, and we’ll go and get hammered and heckle and have to tone it down. Coming from my world, you forget what people’s boundaries are. Even when I’m performing to a mixed crowd, you have that given of, you came to my show and even if you don’t like it, you had to expect it. At the game, you don’t even have that, and people get really, really irritated quick. But I try to put thought into my heckles. It’s all in context of being entertaining.

Along those lines, you mention frequently onstage how your act isn’t for everyone and how some people are going to get lost along the way. You seem to have come to grips with that. But was there ever a point earlier where that was isolating for you?
From what I remember, which is very little of anything, I remember getting more depressed when the club didn’t have your back. Not that people didn’t like you, it was when the club was on the side of the people. ‘You know what I did when I came in here; don’t turn on me because you got bad comment cards. If you want to play to the comment cards, play to the comment cards. If you want to play to the art, play to the art.’

When Mark Babbitt used to run the Laff Stop in Houston, that was an artists’ room. He was on your side. He knew what you were doing, and fuck the crowd if they don’t get it. He was willing to take a bad beat, which is probably why he’s not in comedy anymore on the business side. The owners who are the quickest to party with you and say fuck it if the crowd doesn’t like you are usually the quickest to get bought out by the Funny Bone later.

What’s on your Christmas list?
I’ve had everything I’ve wanted for a long time. I want something to want. I’m happy as shit. Complacency is the biggest obstacle to my career. Let’s see…house arrest is my future career goal. I’m way too good at doing nothing, and I’d love to have a reason why I can’t leave the house that looks like just total ambition. So, an ankle bracelet.

Have you heard your new album yet?
I can’t stand listening to myself, and I didn’t want to hear it and hate it. I’d rather assume it’s a way better product than go, ‘Ah fuck, I forgot to say that, that sounds stupid.’ I wasn’t gonna laugh at any of it. The best I could do would be to judge it poorly, so why put myself through it? There was no editing on this. We recorded one show and said it’s gonna be what it’s gonna be. I had to relearn material from a year ago that was ready to put on a CD then, and they actually originally titled this CD after one of the best bits from back then. It took two or three months for someone in production to realize I didn’t even do that bit here. They already had the title and the artwork to go with it, and they had to fucking change everything. I guess we’ll save it for next one.

You talk about Googling yourself and not being pleased with the results, an ego crime we’re all guilty of. Why can’t we help ourselves with that?
It gets to a point where if it affects you enough, you stop doing it. If my girlfriend had dumped me or something and I have the code to her voicemail and I call up and listen to find out who she’s fucking, and then I find out, oh, she IS fucking somebody…why do I want to know this? Same rules apply.

It’s funny, you think that all of a sudden because of the Internet, people think you suck. They didn’t think you sucked until the Internet started. It has softened me somewhat as a comic when it comes to certain things with blogging. If I put this shit on my website as updates, I’m no less guilty than everyone that I fucking hate and want to find and stab. I don’t think Glenn Beck is fucking ego surfing to find my blog, but Frank Caliendo might and he’s a nice guy. Just because he does a shitty Nicholson impression on Fox Sunday Football that annoys me for five minutes, do I really need to go hurt his feelings? I actually look forward to hating him on Fox Sunday Football.

It’s different when someone else is doing it.
I was just on a plane and there was this stupid baby across the aisle next to a fat woman with her dog in a carrier. The little baby was leaning over and playing with some stuff that wasn’t hers, just playing with this woman’s pocketbook, and I said, ‘Sic your dog on her!’ The fucking mother leans over and gives me this awful death look. I told my girlfriend, if I’m ever in a place where I’m on private planes, I’m going to rent a baby. I need that outlet of hate. That’s a sad, sad awareness.

Greg Behrendt used to have a line in his stand up where he said, ‘I’m just smart enough to realize how stupid I am.’ I hate the fact that I’m aware so vividly of all my flaws and how hypocritical I am. It makes you think too much. Stupid can plow through.

Will your Libertarians ever break into the mainstream?
No. Not a chance. It’s a very idealist theory and party, but it relies so heavily on having faith in human decency, which the fucking best ecstasy can only keep you believing in for so long. As an independent, I think you could get a lot of libertarian ideas through if you didn’t have the label of libertarian, because once you have that stamp on it, it’s open to all the dogma of the party. But if you had a Jesse Ventura personality, you could easily get elected on ideas that are popular if you didn’t have to answer for the other ideas that are unpopular.

Is anybody doing that now?
Ron Paul.

So what have you thought of Obama so far?
Adorable. Cute as a button. But they’re not doing anything that affects any meaningful change. To quote something I’ve said in act, he wants to close Guantanamo while at the same time, 600,000 nonviolent drug offenders are in American prisons. That’s not even an issue he’s dealt with. It’d be like in 1840 if Monroe got elected president and everyone was happy that he was fixing cotton prices yet no one sees slavery as an issue. To even address it, they look at you like you’re some nut job.

All the major problems are not even issues that are being dealt with. Overpopulation is something I’ll never stop talking about because it’s the root cause of almost every hot button issue. Some glutton with four fucking kids complaining about the economy: ‘Where’s my bailout?’ Shut the fuck up. You’re not a simple man in a simple home. The average cost of raising a kid to age 17 is $217,000, so don’t act like some small man getting shit on because you’re losing your job. You made a million-dollar proposition and you lost.

Is overpopulation something that has to be addressed at a government level, like in China? What will it take to change it?
Public scrutiny and shame. The same reason people don’t litter— people frown on you for doing it, not because it’s illegal. It’s why you don’t slap your fucking kids in public, because everyone looks at you like an asshole; everyone looking at you like a dick is far more effective than any legislation.

Is there anything going on politically right now that’s encouraging to you?
What could happen is not what’s happening. Globalization is a good thing, just from a completely retarded point of view because I don’t understand it. But global, if that means ending borders and the nonsense of nationality and heritage and tradition…all that’s hampering human progress. I kind of hope there is an Illuminati or a New World Order that’s keeping this shit together. There’s social engineering going on at every level, whatever your status is on the chain. You’re doing social engineering even if you’re a fucking Doritos driver and your boss is giving out the best routes to the guy he drinks with. So it’s silly to think that someone’s not doing that somewhere— some rich power brokers. Maybe they’re the only thing keeping us from having Kelly Clarkson as president and ‘Whoomp! There It Is’ as the national anthem.

I have hope for my own personal future because I stopped giving a fuck. I’m just trying to write more poop jokes, dumb material with no purpose. That makes me fucking happy when I do that. There are a whole lifetime of conundrums, and I’m fucking yelling about all this, and why do I care? I’m not leaving any people behind on this planet. I got a vasectomy and an abortion; what do I give a shit about the future of the world? When I check out, I’m bringing all my bags with me.

Why do I give a shit if people laugh at Dane Cook and fucking Jeff Dunham and Peanut? They’re laughing and I’m screaming at them, ‘Wise up and be as happy as I am!?’ I wouldn’t do that to a child that’s laughing and playing with an imaginary unicorn. ‘What are you, fucking stupid? There’s no fucking unicorn there! Go squeegee your third eye, as Bill Hicks would say. All my third eye’s seeing is hopelessness. Maybe keep some fucking glaucoma in that third eye.’ I’m going to write that down, actually. Any time I can get a jab at Bill Hicks, that makes up for some of the comparisons.

You get that comparison often?
In Europe I can’t help it in every single goddamn article. Of course I like him, but people show up and expect Bill Hicks because of a lazy journalist. People always put Hicks and Pryor together, and they couldn’t be more opposite. You could listen to Hicks’ whole discography and you’d know a lot of his opinions but you wouldn’t really know him personally. Pryor was all personal experience and not a lot of opinions. Both of them are great, but they couldn’t be more different and yet they get lumped in.

How much do you have to adapt to perform overseas?
Too much, in that I have to prepare and stick too much to scripted material just because I can’t count on going off half-drunk on some rant. It’s probably something I’ve said before and three minutes in I realize the payoff to this is something they won’t get or that won’t apply to them whatsoever. I don’t have the freedom to just know the audience will understand the references and the nomenclature. If I do it every two years, I’m usually good. That gives me enough material to work freely.

How is YouTube affecting the art?
It’s the worst thing for comedy. If people were just putting up old shit I’ve already released, I’d be fine with it, but now at any show you’ve got some sneaky cunt with a cell phone camera. I don’t know how long it took Carlin to make the seven dirty words, but if there was video footage of the growth of that every week, by the time it got great, you’d be so sick of it you’d write him off. It might have taken three months to perfect that bit.

Someone’s there in the front row but they’d prefer to watch it later on video so they stare through a cell phone camera for an hour? There are a million reasons it’s terrible. It kills punch lines. It doesn’t allow me to be as honest as I used to be. Say I was in a room with that kind of anonymity, I could talk about my girlfriend’s cunt sister, some whore I fucked last night when I was coked up and my girflriend wasn’t on the road with me. Because who’s going to tell? I’ve got some stories recently that I just can’t tell because they’re wicked illegal, and if they got taped I could get in a shit load of trouble. It’s disconcerting to be filmed. It’s like me coming to an AA meeting. ‘Hey, this guy has some great stories, stick a camera in his face.’

How can you stop it?
Educate the audience that it’s not tolerated and why it’s bad for the entire art form, because most people don’t do it to be dicks. They’re thinking they’re helping, and they think those YouTube stars are for them. ‘I got three and a half stars for my footage!’ I used to tell people to pour beer on any cameras, but once in Chicago, I gave a chick three warnings, and I seriously had people in the crowd dump beer on her camera. It was a standing-room only show, and it came from three rows back all over everybody and a near riot came out. I had to scratch the whole beer-on-camera thing. That’s just how my audience is. Once someone knows you don’t want to film, it adds value to any footage. Like back when people were bootlegging Zeppelin with actually a thing in your boot. It makes it way more valuable. The audience is a dildo. Never trust them.

Brett Favre is a perfect example I’ve been using of why you should never give the audience any credit. They’ll always turn on you. He went to Lambeau two weeks ago for his great return, and 60,000 fat fucking cheeseheads are jeering him. The only joy in their fat fucking stupid cheesehead lives is because of him risking his knees and his shoulder for stupid amusement in their sedentary lives. That’s every reason to hold the audience in contempt from the beginning. If they don’t boo me tonight, they’ll boo me in a year and I’ll go all Dennis Miller on them and start patting Sean Hannity on the back.

I just watched a Dennis Miller special and didn’t hate it like I expected to.
I never jumped on the bandwagon of dislike. He’s kind of like the Tommy Lee Jones of stand-up; he’s only got one fucking character. He’s like a Boston album, or .38 Special, or the Gin Blossoms. It all sounds the same, just don’t wait for the ballad or the power chords. It’s just one note.

On this album, you talk about sharing a shuttle bus with an older country club couple that was going to your show, and feeling bad being nice to them because you knew they were going to be disappointed by your act. Did you ever catch up with them after the show?
They actually left fairly early afterward, but they were happy. I did all that material in that show – of course it got punched up afterward, but the basic beats of the thing were there of having to be overly friendly to people you know are going to hate you. If I hadn’t done that and they’d just heard it on the CD, they might have hated it. But anytime you talk about someone in the show, once their ego is attached to it, they like it.

I did a show in Reno for a bunch of blue-haired people expecting to see Buddy Hackett, and it’s so easy to turn an audience like that around once you address it. ‘Hey, management thinks you guys can’t handle me. ‘Don’t do lot of blowjob jokes for the old people.’ Your generation invented the blowjob.’ Then it’s me and the old people against management. Comedy is such an easy trick. I think that’s why I started doing what I do. It’s so fraudulent.

For more info, check out dougstanhope.com. And buy Doug’s new album From Across the Street by clicking the image below.

George Carlin: The comedy legend’s daughter talks to Punchline Magazine about his ‘Last Words’

by Rob Turbovsky

After decades of setting the bar for stand-up comedy, George Carlin displayed a rare bit of bad timing by dying last year, just as we needed him most.

In a career that included over two dozen comedy records, 14 HBO hour specials and three books, it’s remarkable to think how little Carlin revealed about his personal life in his work. It seems, now, like he was saving it up.

In Last Words, his just released, long-in-the-works memoir/”sortabiography” written with satirist and former National Lampoon editor Tony Hendra, Carlin gives us one more great gift by opening up about his life and his work, not just his successes but also his struggles: with his mother, his absent father, his marriage, his drug problems, his creative frustrations, and more. It’s funny, in parts, but bleak in others, much like his best material, which could go from whimsy to darkness, from fart jokes to capital punishment in mere moments. To put it another way, Last Words doesn’t just tell the story of what made George Carlin irreplaceable, it is itself a piece of that story, a reminder of how urgent and vital Carlin’s artistry remains.

In a world where even the strangest satire is often dwarfed by the surrealism of the actual news, George Carlin was a clear, unattached voice of reason and logic and relentless truth in a sea of soul-killing noise. For those, like me, who discovered him at that pivotal moment in early adolescence, he taught us that it was okay to have these crazy, suspicious, skeptical thoughts about god, society, and authority, that he was right there with us, plumbing the depths of the absurd. He also taught us some pretty fucking good swear words, too. When I was learning to think, it was emboldening to know that George Carlin had my back. And, maybe he had yours too.

When I was 15 years old, I wrote him a letter. I wanted to interview him for a project on government for my high school civics class. It was a long shot, and I knew it, but I also knew that I trusted what George Carlin had to say more than what newspapers, teachers, or politicians had to offer. Such was the position he held in my life, and I have a feeling that I’m not the only one.

A few months later, I got a phone call: not from a publicist or an assistant or a manager, but from George Carlin himself. I was stunned, to put it mildly. He was happy to do the interview, knowing full well that it would never be seen outside of a small high school classroom in Nowhere, Pennsylvania. It would do nothing for his career; in fact, I’m pretty sure it was entirely counterproductive for him, since he probably could’ve been writing and working in the time he spent on me in the subsequent months, arranging the interview, leaving bizarre and hilarious messages on my voicemail, and finally talking with me on the phone for a half hour. When my friends, my dad, and I went backstage to meet him at his next show, at his invitation, my fate was sealed: whatever I did with my life, it had to involve comedy. So, I’d like to take this moment to blame my current financial situation on George Carlin but mostly to thank him for the continuing inspiration that I have no doubt will last me a lifetime.

It was a great personal joy for me to be able to do a phone interview with George’s daughter, Kelly Carlin. We talked about her dad’s book, his legacy, and her memories of growing up as George Carlin’s daughter.

How much of what your dad writes about in this book was news to you? Did you know all of it?
Oh, I definitely did not know all of the stuff— especially the smaller details of the first 20 years of my dad’s life. I had an understanding of the broader story of my father and had heard some smaller anecdotes here and there about his life, but, certainly, the first chapter about his father was really a poignant thing to read. You could hear his own longing to have some real connection with his father and an understanding of who his father was and his influence, even though they hadn’t met that many times.

I really didn’t understand the depth of his relationship with his brother, Pat, who has been close in my life. But, I never really got the personal connection and meaning that relationship had for my father. The other parts that were revealing to me were more about his own struggle with his career and his place in it, especially in the ‘60s and the ‘70s. I knew he struggled then and in the ‘80s, and that big change that happened in ’69-’70 was huge for him, but he never really talked candidly with me about what that was like, just on a human level, to be dealing with those times. So, it was really wonderful for me, because I felt like I’d deepened my own relationship with my dad by reading the book.

Among the revelations about him in this book is one that even hardcore fans might find particularly shocking: he was a Republican in his youth!
And, even shocking for me! I had known that [Carlin’s former comedy partner] Jack Burns converted him, quote, unquote, but I didn’t know that he just…I guess, I didn’t think he really cared. If you take on your parents’ politics, it’s because you haven’t thought about it yet in some ways. Clearly, Jack’s conversion of him – he didn’t have to wrestle him to the ground or anything. He had a few pot-and-beer-induced deep conversations with my dad, and my dad’s a smart person and clearly a light went off in his head. But, yeah, the shocking reality of this McCarthy Republican, it’s like, “What?!” I love that. I think that makes him all the more human to the world.

It’s striking that in such a large body of work, your dad so rarely talked about himself on stage.
In general, as a rule, he didn’t find it interesting or relevant to have his personal life out there in the world. He was the complete opposite of Richard Pryor, who would go on stage and tell you every thought and detail about his own life and what he was struggling with and use that as the basis of his humor. Whereas, with my father, obviously his life and perspective was on the stage, but he really kept his personal life to himself. To the point where he would go on the Carson show or Leno or Letterman, and he would make up names and sons and weird details about his family, and it was all a routine. It really wasn’t until about five years ago, when I graduated with my master’s in psychology, my dad was on The Tonight Show one night and actually mentioned me and how proud he was of my master’s degree, and I almost fell off the bed. I think, later in his life, he got to feel like it was okay to reveal more of himself, and maybe his time was shorter, and there wasn’t much of it left.

Do you think all of the health problems he had throughout his life were part of what pushed him to be so prolific?
I don’t know. He’s a man who – whether he dealt with it or not, whether he was in denial or not – the reality of mortality came early in his life. His father died at a young age, from a heart attack. My dad had his first heart attack in his forties and had health problems and more heart attacks in the next three decades. I can only guess – I never really talked with him about it specifically – that maybe he knew he only had so much time and was driven to share himself with the world.

Given all of those heart attacks, drug problems, and the one incident in the book where your mother almost stabs him with a sword, it’s hard not to conclude that he was, at the very least, extremely lucky to have lived so long.
I think he was very lucky. After he died, his cardiologist said to me that people who have heart attacks in their forties, their doctors never talk to them about living into their seventies. I think two things kept him alive. His work kept him alive; he was very dedicated to it and got such joy from his work. It wasn’t just about being driven to do it, he got great joy from being clever, putting things together, and showing off on stage, all those things he talked about. And, when my mom died in 1997, he was really depressed the first year after. I was worried about him, I thought, ‘Is he going to start pulling back from the world?’ Then, he met Sally Wade, who was his girlfriend for 10 years, and they had such joy in their relationship that I really, truly believe gave him a new lease on life, at least for 10 years.

Do you remember how old you were the first time you had a sense that your dad was famous?
I have a couple of pretty young memories. I actually wrote a story about this, about being on a bus with my grandmother, I was pretty young. I must have been four years old. My grandmother, who was crazy, was asking some of the people on the bus if they’d ever heard of my father. Of course, they hadn’t. It was pretty early in the ‘60s, ‘66, ‘67, something like that. She was like, ‘Well, he’s been on The Merv Griffin Show…. and take note, he’ll be famous someday.’ I remember looking at her and wondering, ‘Why would anyone know who my dad was?’ I was just so embarrassed by that moment.

Then, I have another memory of being pretty young, around that same time, and seeing my dad on TV and my mom letting me stay up to watch him on, I think, the Della Reese Show or something. So, that was pretty cool, too, realizing that my dad was on the TV.

Did you think that maybe everyone’s dad was on the TV?
I don’t remember having that thought. I remember thinking ‘There’s Daddy. Doing that…thing. It was rather confusing, I think, for me.

How old were you when you first realized what he meant to other people?
I went to these west side of L.A. private schools, and there were a lot of celebrity kids in these schools. It was junior high that some other kids knew who my dad was, and their parents were fans of my dad. I was friends with Carol Burnett’s daughter, and I knew that my dad had done Carol’s show, and they were friends. Then, in high school, there were young boys who would memorize whole routines of my dad’s and then do them for me in class, and I always found that very strange. I don’t think it was until my 20s, if I had a moment at all, that I was realizing that he was having an impact on the culture. It was more of a gradual awakening.

What about your father’s work do you think people connect with most?
His truth. That he really does not tolerate bullshit. Like anyone who discovered my dad in the last 40 years, he gives them hope that they’re not crazy and that the rest of the world is. That there’s ‘this moron thing he does called ‘thinking,’’ and you get to do it for yourself, too. That there are people out there who think this way, and don’t buy into the bullshit. And, his concerts, especially over the last 20 years, have been filled with people from age 12 to 90. The generations keep discovering him, because he’s a man who reveals the truth of the world.

In the book, he mentions that you’d take exception to some of his attitudes and positions. Like what?
The thing I took exception to was his complete and total claim that he had given up on the human race. I basically said to him, ‘If that’s true, why do you bother going up on stage?’ And, he said, ‘You’re right.’ [Laughs] I totally nailed him on it. If he’d really given up on the human race, why bother with anything? Why not go in the woods somewhere in a cabin? I let him know that I’m going to be on this planet a couple more decades after him, and I can’t give up on the human race. And, I believe everything he says is true, on some level. Yet, the stance he took on giving up on it all, that we’re all just going down the drain – which may absolutely be true, who knows? – at the same time, but yeah, you still get pleasure from the sunset. You’re participating on some level.

In interviews he did, he would never admit that he was trying to make a difference or even to make people think. But, I suspect that he must’ve known something about the impact he was having.
I think artistically he couldn’t take the stance that he was trying to make a difference, because it would’ve affected his pure, free ability to express himself. He had to have full permission in order to express himself. And, I’m just sort of guessing at this. But, I think, as an artist, it was important for him to have this very radical stance way outside the species and the planet. At the same time, he was getting feedback from not only his audience, but the people around him would actually talk to him and say, ‘You do make me think. You have changed my mind about things.’

In the book, he talks about realizing that laughter wasn’t necessary to know he was being successful at his job. He says, ‘I got that as long as the audience is willing to sit there and nod their heads and I knew that the wheels were turning in their heads, that I was doing my job.’ So, there’s a man who is acknowledging that he is making people think, and he’s okay with it.

That section refers to Jammin’ in New York (1992), which was his favorite special of his. What did he like about it?
That one and the one before it is when he became a different comic. ‘88, ‘90, ’92… those three shows were the transition for him, but ‘92 is really the pinnacle of that, because it’s pure performance. It’s just so beautiful. We just screened it last week, and I saw it again, and I hadn’t seen it in a while. It’s just perfection. It’s a show where there were long silences. He was starting to get that in his act, and yet the audience was sticking with him, because then he knew he had to go back to something funny and clever and play in that arena for a few minutes, and then he could go back and make them think.

What’s next – is there still more work to be done on what he’s left behind?
There is work to do. We’re still finishing up the estate and closing that, even though it’s almost been a year and a half. That takes time. Once that is all settled, we’re going to very carefully, very respectfully look at what’s there of my dad’s material that’s unfinished and see if there is a way to share it with the world and see if we can do it in a way that lives up to his most impeccable standards. And, we’ll see if we can do it. If not, it will just sit in his computer.

One thing that will be emerging in the next few years is something that we started last year, which is an oral history of my dad. The telling of his life story not through his eyes and his voice, but through loved ones, family, friends, colleagues, peers, people like that. It’s an amazing piece of work, because you get 30 or 40 perspectives on these events that he talks about in this book. That’ll probably be happening late next year.

And, also, I’m working on my own personal memoir, which will not be ‘This is my memoir about being George Carlin’s daughter but will be about my own journey through my childhood, which includes my mother, my father, and all that insanity, through my 20, my 30s, and now my 40s, in finding my own voice as an artist, both in the shadow of my father and in these crazy times, and as a woman. It’s partly about my own spiritual journey and finding my own relationship with the big questions of life.

What’s the most common misconception about George Carlin?
I think that people think he was an angry old man. He really wasn’t. That was his stage persona. That was the stance he took to do his art, to speak a perspective that he felt the world needed to hear. He talks about Sam Kinison in the book, and that Sam shocked him, in a sense, into being a better comic, because he realized that you need to scream louder, because there’s so much noise out there. And, that was his version of screaming louder, getting angry and getting curmudgeon-like.

The biggest and most interesting revelation of this book is that George Carlin was generous, sentimental, nostalgic, and really a lover of people. There are endless stories out there of the personal kindness and generosity – well, you’ve got one. You know. And, how different that is from that stage persona. And, yet, that is where he lived. He lived in that big heart of his. That’s the biggest revelation.

Buy Last Words by clicking the image below.

Last Words, by George Carlin and Tony Hendra, is out now. Kelly Carlin is a writer and essayist; you can track her down on the interwebs at thekellycarlinsite.com. And as always, check out georgecarlin.com for all of your Carlin needs.

Comedy Matters with Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock and more

by Jeffrey Gurian

TRIBUTE TO MARJORIE GURIAN

This column will be kind of a double column due to the sudden passing of my beloved Mom, Marjorie Gurian, right at the time my last column was due. It just kind of rocked me, and brought home the concept that all we have is today.

Marjorie Gurian and her son, me. on her 81st birthday. I took her to see Jewtopia.

My Mom was 84, American born, with no accent, and had the greatest sense of humor, so I jokingly called her Mrs. Bubbashvin, whenever she acted too Jewish. We laughed constantly, even on her last day, and when I left her that night I told her I’d see her in the morning because I truly believed I would.

Some people complain they didn’t get enough attention growing up. The only thing my Mom was guilty of was giving me too much attention. I always said she’d still dress me if I let her. And she’d fix my hair in a nice pompadour.

I kept so many of her funniest voicemail messages, often saying something like,
“Jeffrey. Where are you? Are you okay? Please call me and let me know you’re okay.” When a crane fell near my neighborhood a couple of years back, the anguished calls I received told me she was sure it had fallen directly on me.

Needless to say, if I had a tattoo, it would have said, “Born To Be Nervous.”

To make her happy, I called her every day. And when she was ill I called her even more.

I was her advocate, and made sure she got the care she needed. She was married to my Dad, Raymond for 58 years. They’re back together again now. Rest in peace Mom! I miss you already.

SEINFELD COMES TO THE STRIP

The Comic Strip opened on June 1, 1976. On June 17, 1976, only 16 days later, a young comic named Jerry Seinfeld came in to audition. Owner Bob Wachs was there, auditioned him, and wrote on his sign-up sheet, “Good. Definitely put on Mon. 6/21.”

Jerry Seinfeld’s original sign-up sheet.

And that was the start of a career that would change the face of comedy forever. Sitting with Jerry, while Richie Tienken and I were doing the interview for the book we’re writing on the history of the club, I felt compelled to ask how he felt knowing his last name had become part of the lexicon.

Like I can’t picture a show named “Gurian” and Richie couldn’t picture a show called “Tienken” either, but it sounds so natural to say “Seinfeld.” Jerry said it happened so gradually that he got used to it.

The interview itself was amazing. Jerry was so kind, generous, funny, and forthcoming. He told some great stories, which will be appearing in the book, cause if I write them here, you won’t have to buy the book.

I will tell you two things. One, we were able to tell him a story he never knew. When Jerry was first starting out, comics didn’t get paid. Then they wanted to get paid, so there was a meeting of the club owners at The Strip to decide about paying them. It was Silver Friedman, Rick Newman, Richie, and probably more.

Me, Jerry Seinfeld, and Richie Tienken at The Comic Strip, in front of Jerry’s original headshot, visible over his left shoulder.

Jerry Seinfeld approached Rick Newman the legendary owner of Catch a Rising Star, who was standing with Richie Tienken and said, “I think the comics should get paid.” Rick said “Oh yeah, and who are you?” He said, “Jerry Seinfeld. I’m the MC at your club.” To which Rick replied, “We’ll see about that.”

Jerry got nervous and walked away. When he did, Richie stood up for Jerry and told Rick he was a good kid, and not to hold it against him. This is the part that Jerry never knew went down. Later that day, Jerry told Richie he was nervous to go to Catch, and Richie told him to just go and not worry about it, that Rick probably wouldn’t even remember. Jerry showed up and everything was fine.

Jerry ended his interview by saying he felt like he was born in 1976, because that was the year The Strip opened and the year his life really began. What a great interview!

GEORGE WALLACE DROPS BY THE STRIP

George Wallace was in town to do Letterman and The View and was working on some new material for his “I Be Thinkin’ Show” which is the top rated 10 pm show in Las Vegas.

You go out to Vegas and all you see everywhere you look is posters of George Wallace. You’d think he was the mayor. George is a real crowd pleaser, and the audience at The Strip got a special surprise when he came out unexpectedly to do a hilarious set, for which he got a standing ovation, which is not too common in a comedy club.

George, who is one of Seinfeld’s best friends, got to see Marina Franklin perform as well. I’ve been a fan of hers since I first met her some years back, and her career is finally, and deservedly blowing up. She just got chosen as one of Jay Leno’s comedy correspondents, and she’s opening for Bill Maher at Avery Fisher Hall, during Carolines New York Comedy Festival.

From left – JR, George Wallace, me, Richie Tienken, and in front the lovely “sexy fairy” Marina Franklin.

NYCUCF FUNNIEST REPORTER CONTEST

Jim Mendrinos and Carole Montgomery really outdid themselves this year with the NYC Underground Comedy Festival, that Jim took over from founder George Sarris. It was the biggest and best yet, and had some really great shows.

One of them was the Funniest Reporter Show, conceived and produced by P.R. genius Ryan McCormick who was also responsible for producing the longest comedy show on record, a 50 hour star-studded charity show listed in the Guinness Book of Records, also held at The Strip. The last performer of those 50 long hours was Judah Friedlander who was photographed holding the official plaque from the Guinness people.

For the funniest reporter show, each journalist got to work with a comedian or comedy writer as a mentor. I had the pleasure of working with Taryn Winter Brill, the feature reporter from Good Morning America. Taryn is really very funny, and may actually continue performing stand-up. I think she should, since she came in a strong third.

Producer/comic Carole Montgomery, me and Taryn Winter Brill at The Comic Strip.

Ray Ellin was the MC, and the winner was Marianne Schaberg from CNN, whose mentor was the always-funny Bernadette Pauley. Needless to say there was lots of press. We were filmed by a team from Good Morning America, and also by Letterbox Pictures who is also doing the documentary film to accompany the book for the 35th anniversary of The Comic Strip.

GOTHAM HAPPENINGS

Gotham Comedy Club is not only known for its headliners, it’s also known for it’s specialty shows. This past month I saw so much great talent at Gotham. I popped by one night to see Dom Irrera rock the house. Dom’s biggest surprise to me was the great Irish accent he does. I’m always impressed by anyone who can do great accents, and the audience was too.

Dom Irrera and I at Gotham.

Dean Obeidallah was the MC, and he told about his Mom making herself 16 years younger cause she’s dating again. That meant he had to be 18 years old. He felt strange until his mother’s new boyfriend said to Dean, “Boy, do I have a beautiful 18 year old daughter for you.”

A funny comic named Tom Ryan said he got an e-mail that said, “Make hundreds of thousands of dollars in your spare time.” Tom said if he could do that, he might switch that to his full time job! Stars just drop by at Gotham, and surprise the audience by doing a set. Jim Gaffigan stops in a lot. The night I saw him, he talked a lot about food. He hates seafood, because it reminds him of bugs.

Talking about seafood, he said, “There’s a part of the crab that you’re not supposed to eat. That part is called “All of it!” “The first clue that you’re not supposed to eat it should have been that you have to use a hammer. I’m think I’m gonna eat that crab. Bring me the tools!”

The very funny and beautiful Lynne Koplitz headlined one night, and wore a red sequined dress for the DVD she was shooting. About two big guys in the audience she commented, “Somewhere in NYC, there’s a street not being worked on tonight.” She also took the time to tell us that her “vajayjay” was like an old cave in North Carolina. I had to take her word for that one!

Lynne Koplitz and I.

And she summed up Spike TV by saying it was very predictable. Men moving heavy shit with their faces. Barry Weintraub was the MC. Barry said, “Michael Jackson liked boys so he built an amusement park. I like women. I would have had to build a mall.” Gary Gulman did a great set as usual. He said due to the economy he’s had to cut back on certain things. Mostly he cut back on his engraving. His engraving budget for this year is just a skeleton of what it was in years past. Basically Gulman had more engraving material than any other comic I’ve ever seen!

Paul Mercurio had a couple of unusual things happen to him when he came out on the Gotham stage. A guy named Ben was fast asleep in his seat right in front of the stage and didn’t awaken until Paul woke him up. Then a woman named Sheila, who was sitting all the way in the back, actually took a phone call while he was on and talked loud enough for everyone to hear. Paul left the stage, went to her table and actually confronted the woman who believe it or not, didn’t hang up, and stayed on the phone.

To his credit, Paul used both episodes to his advantage, and milked them for all they were worth. A lesser comedian would have definitely been flustered. That’s why stage time is invaluable to a comedian. And last but certainly not least, I went down to see actor/comedian Anthony Anderson, who you know from Law and Order, and who does a monthly show with comic Royale Watkins called Anthony Anderson’s Mixtape Comedy Show, which was truly one of the most diverse and entertaining shows out there.

Royale Watkins and Anthony Anderson playing rock, paper, scissors at Gotham. Looks like a tie!

I got to see one of my favorites, Wil Sylvince. When he imitates his uncle in that Haitian accent of his, the crowd goes nuts. He will be the MC at a concert I am producing with my partner Jean Alerte, CEO of Alerte Carter & Associates, this coming February, at the Capital One Theatre in Westbury. Long Island, starring the amazing Kevin Hart, and featuring the great Tony Rock. They even had a freestyle rap competition which was completely off the chain! You must check it out one month on a Sunday night.

COMEDY MATTERS SHORTIES

Kenny Lonergan is a two time Oscar nominee who writes movies as diverse as Analyze This, and Analyze That, Gangs of New York, and The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. I know him from my early days at Naked Angels where he is one of the founding members.

Matthew Broderick and Kenny Lonergan at the 92nd Street Y.

His newest play The Starry Messenger was being produced by The New Group, which is an artist driven theatre company, and is starring his childhood friend, and two-time Tony Award-winner Matthew Broderick. I went to see them at a lecture at the 92nd Street Y for a very enjoyable evening.

Lisa Lampanelli had the book party for her new book Chocolate Please at Carolines on Broadway, and it was a big success. Always so good to see Lisa, whose career is just so huge. The smaller she gets, the bigger her career gets.

Lisa looked great, and introduced me to her boyfriend Jimmy, who is, … how shall we say, very limited in the pigment department. To be politically correct, he’s what’s known as pigmentally challenged! (In other words he’s white.) Can you believe it? Lisa with a white guy? Vanilla please???

Lisa Lampanelli and I at Carolines for her Chocolate Please book party.

She dedicated an entire chapter to my buddy Tom-E Latsch, who works and performs at The Comic Strip. (He also takes great photos when we interview the stars for our book, like Chris Rock and Seinfeld). She started out nice, talking about the start of their relationship, and wound up eviscerating Tom to the point that you had to say to him, “Don’t worry Tommy, all press is good, as long as they spell your name right!”

PUNCHLINE MAGAZINE CELEBRATES FOUR YEARS

I’m really proud to have Comedy Matters be a part of Punchline Magazine for the last year and a half, and when you see the stars who come out to honor Punchline at it’s annual celebration, you understand that I’m not the only one that feels that way.

The party/show is held at Comix, that beautiful club on West 14th Street, and this year featured the fantastic Ted Alexandro, Robert Hawkins, Christian Finnegan, the great Pete Dominick, Todd Barry, Janeane Garofalo, the incredible Lewis Black, who closed the show, and a surprise appearance from the hilarious D.L. Hughley, former star of the ABC/UPN sitcom The Hughleys, one of the four comedians starring in the Spike Lee film “The Original Kings of Comedy” and currently a correspondent on the new Jay Leno show, and a New York radio personality.

Todd Barry and Ted Alexandro at Comix.

D.L. said he just stopped by to wish Punchline a happy anniversary, and offered the observation, “ You know how bad Pres, Bush had to be if the whole country said, “Let’s give the Black guy a chance!”

Me and D.L. Hughley at the Punchline party at Comix.

About Michael Jackson – “A wonderful singer but a lousy babysitter.” “Lucky he didn’t go to jail. They would have passed his ass around like a joint!”

Lewis Black had the closing spot, which is usually reserved for the strongest. For many years at Friars events, another angry man Pat Cooper was ALWAYS the closer for that very reason. He grabbed an audience by the throat and didn’t let go till he was ready. Lewis Black does the same thing. He talked about Country-Western music, a lot of which he said was “based on old Jerry Springer episodes.”

Pete Dominick and Lewis Black at Comix.

He went on to tell of once having to follow the wonderful Vince Gill, who he said had such an amazing voice that 30 seconds into his first song, Lewis felt the same way as he does when his bath is just the right temperature.

“Vince’s wife Amy Grant is so perfect,” Lewis continued, “she’s entirely made of cream.” He said he had to flee the room to prevent himself from rushing the stage and taking Christ into his heart! That’s how beautiful the experience was.

HOT 97 THE COMEDY SCENE

I left a party for the VMA Awards and wandered into Carolines to find DJ Cipha Sounds from Hot 97 onstage MC’ing a comedy show. The dude is funny, and very comfortable on stage.

Me in my best hip-hop pose with DJ Cipha Sounds at Carolines.

He does his thing as easily as if he was behind the mike in the radio station, where he’s the host of the morning show Cipha Sounds and Rosenberg, and he admitted to me after the show that he’s always had a thing for comedy and wants to do more.

Yo Cipha, I’m available bro’! Holla at your boy!

Then I went to an event at the Time Square Arts Center, formerly The Laugh Factory on West 42nd Street and wound up giving an interview on the red carpet hosted by Lil’ Nat, also of Hot 97 who does the overnight show from 2 A.M. till 6 A.M. leading into Cipha’s show.

Me and Lil Nat on the red carpet at the Times Square Arts Center.

I got a chance to talk about Chris Rock Exec. Producing the film we’re doing on the history of The Comic Strip, and my upcoming Kevin Hart concert at Westbury which I hope we can promote on Hot 97 among other stations.

MAGIC AT THE ANGEL BALL

Denise Rich creates magic every year at the Angel Ball cancer fundraiser she holds in honor of her late daughter Gabrielle. This year I added to the magic by bringing Ken Salaz , magician/mentalist from the two man group The Unseen, who performed for Denise’s distinguished guests during the cocktail hour, and who also donated a two hour private performance as part of the silent auction.

Me and David Blaine at Denise Rich’s Angel Ball at Cipriani, Wall Street.

I got to fulfill a dream for Ken by introducing him to his idol and my old friend David Blaine. I had once arranged for Ken to perform for both Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb, co-hosts of the fourth hour of the Today show on NBC, and they never forgot how he amazed them. When we ran into Hoda at The Angel Ball, Ken told Hoda to think of a drink that she liked, and then produced it from thin air. She said she wanted him to come on the show. That’s in the works.

Ken Salaz and Hoda Kotb at The Angel Ball.

Denise raised four million dollars to fight cancer in just one night. That is a new record for her, and I’m sure she’ll beat it next year.

GOOD HAIR

Chris Rock had the premiere of his new documentary film Good Hair at the IFC Theatre downtown on 6th Avenue and I went down with Richie Tienken and Chris’ cousin the hilarious comic Sherrod Small to see it. Sherrod is also a regular at The Strip and is very close to Chris Rock and like a brother to Tony Rock. As a matter of fact, he refers to his cousin Chris as “Chrissie,” which is fine for him, but I still call Chris “Chris.”

Sherrod Small, Jordan Rock and Chris Rock at the after party for Good Hair.

I was thrilled to meet Chris’s Mom Rose at the after-party. She looks so young, you would never know she has eight kids,

Mrs. Rose Rock and Jordan Rock at the after party for Good Hair.

THE BELZER/SHAFFER FOUR-IN-ONE

Some years ago, (more than I’d want to admit), Richard Belzer, Paul Shaffer and I took a photo together. A few years after that, I brought that photo and held it while we took another photo standing in the exact same order. A few years later I brought that photo to The Friars Club, and we held that photo while taking still a third photo of us standing in the exact same order, so it became a photo, within a photo, within a photo.

And that’s how it stayed for years until last week. Belzer and Shaffer had a joint party, (you should excuse the expression!) at The Friars Club, for their new books. Belzer promoted Shaffer’s book called “ We’ll Be Here For The Rest Of Our Lives”, and Shaffer promoted Belzer’s book, “ I Am Not A Psychic.”

Richard Belzer, me, and Paul Shaffer, holding a photo of Richard Belzer, me, and Paul Shaffer, holding still another photo of Richard Belzer, me, and Paul Shaffer, holding yet a fourth photo of Richard Belzer, me, and Paul Shaffer.

They both knew what I had in the case I was holding. The three-in-one. Fortunately we were able to tap the talent of Friars official photographer Richard Lewin, who took the “four-in-one” that you see below, ( or above, depending on where the editor chooses to put it!) Someday, maybe we’ll go for the five-in-one!

Anyway, no matter what, until next time, remember, … COMEDY MATTERS!!!

Comedians of Chelsea Lately share their favorite holiday memories

by Punchline Magazine

Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, the holiday season is upon us. Halloween has past and it’s time to put your slutty window washer costume away. Sad, we know. What’s sadder, is that you, no doubt, have already started stressing out about dealing with your family around the dinner table at Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah — or, whatever it is you celebrate — unless, of course, you’re a well-adjusted human. If so, bravo. If not, let us ease your stress and warm your heart with the comedians of Chelsea Lately’s fondest holiday moments.

As you may know,  every night at 11 pm. Handler has been providing a great service for stand-up comedy fans for the last few years, regularly featuring some of the best up and coming acts on her E! chat show. In addition, she’s produced stand-up specials featuring said comics for the network. And now starting Nov. 6, you can catch this rotating cast of comics live as they come to a town near you on the Comedians of Chelsea Lately stand-up comedy tour. Grab your tickets at ticketmaster.com now! Before you enjoy the below comedians’ memories, we bring you, the ringmaster, herself, Chelsea Handler opening up to us about what her favorite holiday is. Enjoy!

My favorite holiday used to be Black Friday. I have a lot of friends that are African American and when I found out about this holiday I thought: It's about time. I was glad to know they had a day to just relax and celebrate themselves. I also thought it was really nice that it took place on the day after Thanksgiving, so that if they worked for someone who didn't take advantage of making that a 4 day weekend, they could still get off of work when they told their boss that they were black and that this was their day. I forgot to get my friend Loni Love a gift for Black Friday last year and ran to the mall to get her something special, or a new weave. The place was a disaster, and there were sales and people everywhere. That's when I found out what Black Friday really was. I've since turned my attention to Flag Day, mostly because I'm a fan of June.

And now, the Comedians of Chelsea Lately tell us about their favorite holiday memories:

JO KOY
New Year’s Eve. I went to a party with a co-worker. We had a few drinks. I offered to take her home. She said yes and ultimately I hooked up with her in the laundry room. We were doing laundry— dirty laundry.






CHUY
My favorite holiday memory is when I got to spend the fourth of July this year as a real US Citizen. I passed my test so when the fourth of July came, I felt like I was really part of something special to celebrate with my other friends that were also US citizens. I also won a hot dog eating contest so it was pretty much the best holiday ever.




SARAH COLONNA
My favorite holiday memory is the Christmas that I discovered that you can unwrap presents and then wrap them back and put them under the tree without your parents finding out. I’ve never been one to have much patience and I don’t care about being surprised. I just want to know what I’m getting so that I can start planning what I want to return.




GUY BRANUM
My favorite holiday memory is of Columbus Day 2003. A friend of mine flew in from Kansas City, and my roommate and I gave him a tour of San Francsico, which ended with us getting drunk at a Columbus Day Bazaar at a Catholic Church in North Beach. Also, it was Fleet Week. Also, wine was a dollar a glass. Also, it was Fleet Week. I don’t remember how the day ended, thus, making it the best holiday ever.




BRAD WOLLACK
The night before Thanksgiving, 1996, I was “detained” by the San Francisco Police Department after wrestling with two officers (long story). In the patrol car to the station, one of the officers lit up a cigar. I told him I was allergic to smoke and insisted he put it out. He responded, ‘The guys in lock-up are going to love you… a little redhead.’ I shut up. At 2 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning, my parents had to pick me up at the station where I had been cuffed to a bench for a couple hours, all the while watching the jailer watch COPS on TV. That year, I was “thankful” for not being put in jail and raped by a guy named Bubba.

JEN KIRKMAN
My favorite holiday memory is from a Christmas a few years ago, when my 92- year-old grandmother on my mother’s side got drunk. (She has since passed. She died at 98. Calm down. Don’t be sad. She lived a good life.) Drunk for my grandmother means one glass of sparkling wine mixed with her blood pressure medication. She began to get very randy and wanted to talk about sex. She sat on my dad’s lap, and tried to encourage us to play a game of strip poker. At one point I remember her calling me a “wimp” when I said I didn’t want to play.

JOSH WOLF

LONI LOVE
I love all the holidays. It’s a day off work and food is usually involved.








HEATHER MCDONALD
Easter is my favorite holiday because where I live it is always a nice sunny day and I like wearing a cute fitted spring color dress. I love Easter egg hunts and since I hide the eggs the night before I have an advantage when I race my kids and am always able to win. Unfortunately, I hide the eggs after a few Chardonnays and can’t always find all of them until something smells rank on a hot June day in our backyard. Oh, and Jesus Christ rose from the dead which is way cool.


JOHN CAPARULO
My favorite holiday memory is a bitter one, but pretty much every memory I have is such– so bear with me. It was Halloween, 1983. At the time, my family lived in Canton, OH. In response to the pervert panic of the early 80s, the city decided to limit “Trick or Treat” to Sunday afternoon from 12 to 5pm. Yeah there’s nothing gayer than going door-to-door in a vampire costume when the fuckin sun is out!!

I was 8 years old and a huge Cleveland Browns fan. My dad and I had tickets to the Browns/Oilers game that afternoon, so I had to make a tough choice– Do I go see the Browns? Or do I panhandle for candy in broad daylight? Go Browns!!

The game didn’t start well for the home team. By the end of the 3rd quarter, my heroes were down 19-10. My dad has never exactly been the most optimistic sports fan and was convinced the game was over. So he insisted we leave the stadium.

On the way home, we then proceeded to listen to the Browns make one of the most dramatic comebacks in years and win the game 25-19. Even at such a young age, I still remember sitting in silence trying to fight the urge to punch my dad in the face. Finally, my guilt-ridden father mustered the courage to say, “Well, you’ll still have time for some trick or treatin’.”

All I could say was, “No, dad, YOU will still have time to do some trick or treatin’! And don’t come back with any apples either!!”

WHITNEY CUMMINGS
Pretty much every year for Thanksgiving my mom puts the turkey in the oven, seasons it every couple hours and then at 8 pm realizes the oven isn’t on. That never gets old.






CHRIS FRANJOLA
My favorite holiday memory happened every Christmas when after all the gifts were opened my father would pretend to make a phone call to Santa Claus telling Santa that he must have made a mistake and delivered too many presents to our house. As my brothers and I sat putting together bicycles, installing 9 volt batteries into hand held video games and eating Whitman’s samplers, my father would be telling Santa to check his list again. Now that I think about I believe my father was just trying teach us to be grateful for what we had. However at the the time all I could think about was how did my father get Santa’s phone number.

For more info on Chelsea Lately, check out the show’s official site here. Also, check out Chelsea when she performs live in Las Vegas on Nov. 14. Get your tickets here.

PUNCHLINE MAGAZINE wants you to vote for Chelsea Lately as Best Talk Show for the People’s Choice Awards. You have to text “VOTE” to 24475 to do so. Visit the People’s Choice Awards site for more info.