Aries Spears: Sketching up with Aries Spears

by Dylan P. Gadino

Known for his work on MadTV, the tireless stand-up comic has re-entered the game of sketch comedy. But this time Damon Wayans is involved and the censors are far, far away.








By Dylan P. Gadino

The sidewalks and streets of midtown Manhattan are getting abused by driving rain. Tourists and late night commuters headed for the Port Authority are ducking for cover and umbrellas are flailing. Needless to say there isn’t a swarm of people cramming into the nearby Laugh Factory on Eighth Avenue. And that’s a shame. They’re about to miss a stellar performance by one of the country’s most underrated stand-up comics.

The showroom at the club is less than full but there’s still an undeniable air of confidence, nay, cockiness as Aries Spears takes the stage. Dressed in an oversized white T-Shirt, a white face towel draped over his left shoulder, jeans and a Yankees cap, Spears makes quick with the greetings and delivers nearly an hour’s worth of Grade A comedy.

Those unfamiliar with Spears before tonight are easily won over. Having seen the way he spins topical humor around observational wit and then deftly anchors it all with spot-on impressions – how ‘bout the way he murders the crowd with the Schwarzenegger refrain, “Get Dowwwn … Get to the Choppa! – they file out to the hallway and eagerly ask for autographs and take photos with the comic.

Weeks later, Spears is spending the day in his home base of Los Angeles driving around, tying up some loose ends before heading back on the road for a tour that would put most major rock bands – let alone most comics – to shame. He’s not the type to go out on quick jaunts or hang around his hometown clubs polishing up his set with 12-minute sets here and there. Rather, he’s booked solid through the beginning of December with plans to crisscross the country and even make a few stops in Canada.

“That’s where the money is, on the road,” he says. “I’m trying to stay as active as possible.”

By the time he plays the 2,300-seat Tulalip Tribes Amphitheatre outside of Seattle, Washington in September a new Showtime show, of which Spears is a cast member, will have premiered; he could have a whole new set of fans.

That month Damon Wayans’ The Underground kicks its 10-episode season off for the cable giant. It’s a show that Wayans has described as “In Living Color on steroids,” adding, “it will be everything we weren’t allowed to do on broadcast television.”

After hearing Spears excitedly talk about the show, one quickly learns this isn’t hype. “The cool thing is that because it’s cable, especially uncensored cable, I think we’ll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn’t been seen before,” he says. “We can actually finish jokes.”

“Like Damon has a character called Super Nigga,” Spears explains. “He’s the one guy in the Justice League that’s been outed for his delinquent ways. Instead of rescuing people, he’s shooting dice and when he does rescue people he charges them. And his superpowers are all in his dick. So if he has to rescue a woman from a burning building who’s 13 flights up, he’ll jerk off to a Halle Berry picture and his dick will turn into a 70 foot pole.”

Spears is also proud to report that he penned a sketch called “Balls-Out Jeans,” based on a line of denim wear that allows men to show off their testicles. “Women have been able to wear low cut jeans that showcase their goods,” he says. “So it’s time for men to get a piece of the action.”

Although he’s made a few turns in motion pictures – for one, he played Cuba Gooding’s brother in Jerry Maguire – it’s not surprising Spears has returned to the sketch grind. No doubt, even the casual Spears observer will recognize him from his eight brilliant seasons on Fox’s sketch show MadTV, where he routinely lampooned the likes of Bobby Brown, Mike Tyson and Shaquille O’Neal (a real-life friend of his). He also created recurring characters like Belma Buttons (that’s Spears as a fat, sassy woman played opposite of Debra Wilson’s Tovah McQueen), Dollar Bill Montgomery (the militant host of Real Motherfucking Talk), and El Diablo Negro from the Mexican Wrestlers sketches.

“This is a lot edgier than MadTV,” he says. “I think Chappelle set the bar when he came out with his show. So I think in order to be as great as him or greater you have to push it a little further— as long as there’s substance in terms of the material. Like you’re not doing T ‘n’ A for the sake of doing T ‘n’ A. At the end of the day there’s got to be structure and great comedy. When you start with that, everything else falls into place.”


FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Aries Spears was a child of the ‘80s. So naturally, he fell in love with Eddie Murphy. He studied his legendary concert films Delirious and Raw. He admired the way Murphy was able to imitate people and talk about race and relationships and make it all funny. “Eddie was the Michael Jordan of comedy,” he says. “He had a full range of abilities.”

But the thing Aries first latched onto was impressions. That’s where he started. And today, he’s got a solid repertoire. He does everyone from Robert De Niro to Al Pacino; from DMX to Jay-Z; from Michael Jackson to Sylvester Stallone. “But I never wanted to limit myself to just impressions,” Spears explains. “I wanted to branch out and develop other parts of my game. To sustain longevity you have to evolve.”

He’s already evolved. Beyond his sketch comedy credits, sitcoms and movies, Spears has also recently lent his voice to a new animated series from Shawn and Marlon Wayans called Thugaboo, set to air in August on both Nicktoons Network and Nickelodeon.

And as odd as it sounds, since he’s only 31, he’s already proven his longevity: he’s been doing stand-up since he was 14 when he was living in Manhattan’s Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood. At 16 he became the youngest comic ever to perform on Def Comedy Jam. His family – his mother, Doris Spears is a renowned jazz singer – moved to New Jersey where he eventually dropped out of North Brunswick Township High School when he was 17.

Shortly after, he moved to Los Angeles. He quickly landed a role on the sitcom A Different World and then landed a part in Home of Angels, his first movie. By the time he was 22, he was a regular cast member on MadTV.

But he never lost his interest in stand-up or the art of crafting jokes. It’s something that’s on his mind every day. He admits that he carries a pad and pen around a lot, jotting down things he thinks are funny. “The average comedian is kind of an observer looking at every day things that everyone could relate to and then trying to find the exaggeration in those things.”

And although he has said in the past that the “ultimate goal” is to become a well-known movie actor, he can’t deny the effects that performing live has on him.

“The best part about being a stand-up is the connection with the audience,” he says. ”It’s very orgasmic. There’s nothing more gratifying then when you can make 300 people applaud and stand up— because that’s all you. You take all the credit. And if it fails you take all the blame. But it’s the credit that makes it all worthwhile.”

For more information, visit: www.ariesspears.com

Tourgasm: Interview Part 2

by Dylan P. Gadino

Dane Cook’s new HBO series is redefining the way we look at stand-up comedy while changing the careers of four comics. Punchline Magazine checks in with the stars of Tourgasm in the conclusion of our two-part interview

Interview by Dylan P. Gadino

When we last left the guys, Jay Davis was reflecting on why it’s good to be young, single and “dating.” As Dane Cook’s HBO series ends, the comics – Cook, Davis, Robert Kelly and Gary Gulman – shows us their sensitive sides. Grab a Kleenex, kids, and enjoy the conclusion of Punchline Magazine’s interview with the comedians of Tourgasm.

PM: There were a lot of things that happened on the Tourgasm tour bus, typical guy stuff that you probably wouldn’t normally share with your family or your girlfriends. Have you found yourself in positions where you had to start explaining yourselves?

GG: No, not really.

RK: You mean to like my fiancé?

PM: Yeah, anyone.

RK: I mean, I asked Dane to hold my hand. I had to explain that. And I crawled into bed with Dane twice on the show, which I forgot about and I had to explain that to my fiancé. But you know what? I don’t care.

JD: I had to explain why my ass looks like Paris Hilton’s.

GG: I got drunk on one episode and it was clearly me, but my mother insists that it wasn’t me and that I don’t drink. She feels there was some sort of CGI manipulation to show me drinking and they put a cigarette in my hand through some sort of magic.

JD: My mom even said, ‘I didn’t think Gary smoked.’ My mom.

RK: It’s my fault. Sorry, Gary.

JD: My mom was disappointed you were smoking, I swear. She said, ‘I didn’t think Gary was a smoker.’

RK: You know what? At least it’s not worse than Dane. Dane shit in a bucket. How do you explain that?

PM: And pissed in a humidifier.

RK: Yeah, Dane likes to pee and shit into things you’re not supposed to pee and shit in.

PM: As we move close to the finale, are we going to see Dane teach us how to relieve ourselves in other type of vessels?

RK: Vessels?

GG: Yeah, he beats off into a goldfish bowl. Is that what you’re talking about?

RK: And the goldfish actually swallows. He thinks it’s food.

(Gary is laughing uncontrollably)

RK: I just threw up in my mouth. Hey, dude what’s your name… Dylan?

PM: Yeah.

RK: Let me ask you a question before we get into this and give you all this magic. Do you like the show?

PM: Yeah I do, I enjoy it very much.

RK: Because last time we did one of these interviews I think we got trashed.

PM: Really?

RK: It was for Entertainment Weekly

DC: That’s what journalists do. They pretend that you’re their best friend and they love you and then all of sudden, snarky remarks. Don’t trust anyone, Dylan. Never trust anyone.

PM: I trust no one. I promise I won’t trash you. If you look at the site, it’s very positive.

RK: I like Dylan so far.

JD: It is a positive site. I love your site.

DC: That’s why I’m here, Dylan. Because we trust you.

RK: Dylan?

PM: Yeah?

RK: I like you.

PM: Thanks, man. Wanna get some coffee some time?

RK: Yeah, I’d love to. Where do you live?

PM: Right outside Manhattan in Hackensack.

RK: Oh, I’m not going to be able to do that.

DC: Hackensack? That’s where the missile was headed during Superman, the movie.

PM: Is that true?

DC: Yeah, Miss Teschmacher’s mom lived there and Superman promised that he would save Miss Teschmacher’s mom.

RK: You’re talking number one, right?

DC: Yeah, Superman, the movie.

RK: I don’t remember that.

DC: Yeah, Miss Teschmacher, she took the kryptonite off Superman and said if you promise to save my mom first, she’s in Hackensack, New Jersey and Superman was at first a little bit… because he new Lois was where the other missile was going to California at the San Andreas fault. And he was like ‘Ok, Miss Teschmacher,’ and she threw a smooch on him and he flew over there and chucked that missile up into space, which when it exploded released the three criminals from the phantom zone. So it was actually Superman’s fault that the three criminals were released because the impact from the missile exploding in space, it was all Miss Teschmacher.

GG: Hackensack also would’ve been the name of a gay city Bobby would’ve used in his joke had he grown up in New Jersey instead of Massachusetts. (They all laugh.)

DC: Gary, that was a great laugh off of my story. I got a good laugh off of something that was mildly amusing.

GG: Say it, Bobby.

RK: Say what? I got nothing.

GG: Say ‘Hackensack.’

RK: Hackensack. (said in an effeminate voice)

DC: Dylan, Bobby used to have a character called Helga Sockwater where he used to take his own hair – cause he had long hair – and make a mustache on himself and he would go, ‘I’m Helga Sockwater (said effeminately) from Chelsea, Massachusetts.’ And then he would eventually end up crapping his own pants smell his fingers and say ‘Time to make the donuts.’

RK: What’s the song I sang in the eighth episode?

DC: (singing) Don’t stop, filming my face. Dylan, You’re going to witness on episode eight one of the most god-awful moments in television history. I mean HBO will definitely have hit an absurd moment in history when you see Robert Kelly… I have video of him in 1990 when we did a road gig together and I have the video camera on Bobby. The lyrics are this. I just want you to hear the lyrics because I want you to know how narcissistic Bobby was. The song was called “Don’t Stop Filming my Face.” And then he sang it like this, (singing) ‘Don’t stop filming my face.’ (sounding like the song, “Don’t Stop Believing”). It is atrocious.

RK: That episode made me cry.

PM: Really?

RK: It’s a great episode. Well, there’s a part with Dane that shows some creepy, before-he-was-famous shit that was like, ‘wow!’

DC: I made some predictions back in ’90.

RK: Yeah, what did you say?

DC: I was up on stage doing something. I don’t even remember what I was doing. And the guy filming me, I told him to come up on stage.

RK: I was filming you, jackass

DC: Was it you or Al?

GG: I think it was Al.

RK: Gary, you weren’t there.

DC: And I said, come here. Film this side of my face. Get me over on this side because this is going to be on HBO. It isreally cool and creepy when you see it.

JD: And it’s really on HBO now.

DC: Who would’ve thought my home video in 1990 really would be on HBO.

RK: Apparently you, you fucking Nosetradamus. Dylan… What’s up?

PM: Nothing.

RK: Are you writing or recording this?

PM: I’m recording.

RK: Nice.

PM: I have a very high-tech system here.

DC: Ok, Dylan. Hit us with your next question.

PM: In the episode that Gary vanished, it was all very mysterious. Where did he go?

RK: Actually, Gary works for Doctors Without Borders. (Everyone laughs hysterically.)

GG: That is the best thing I heard all day.

DC: Yeah, me too. But the day’s not over.

GG: I can tell, right? I had a college booked before the tour started.

RK: If you look on those four days that he was gone, if you go to the three states he was in, you’ll find six women missing and it forms a little symbol on the map.

GG: Actually, the six women form a Star of David.

RK: I was going to say that but I’m not Jewish.

GG: No, you’re allowed to say ‘Star of David’; Star of David is just a Zionist symbol.

RK: Oh, ok…. Jay?

JD: Yes?

RK: You sound very manly today. (Someone knocks on Robert’s hotel door) Hello? Who is it? What are you sorry about? Someone just fucking knocked on my door and said they were sorry.

JD: That was me.

RK: Was that you, Jay?

JD: Yeah.

RK: Was it?

JD: Yeah, I ran out there real quick.

PM: Before we go, I want to have each person go around and pick one person and say something nice about that person.

DC: That sounds like picking favorites

PM: Yeah, that’s fun.

DC: What if – and we’ll just use this as an example – no one picks Jay.

RK: That might be fun in your Sex and the City circle but in our circle we could lose our friendships.

PM: Ok, you could edit those instructions any way you wish.

DC: I love taking over.

GG: Robert Kelly has made a miraculous transition in his life for the better and it’s been very impressive to have a front row seat for that. He went from being sort of a bachelor to now he’s engaged. It’s very exciting and I’m very happy for him.

PM: Who’s next…?(long pause) Hello?

DC: Yo.

RK: That would be funny if we all hung up on Dylan.

PM: That would be very sad and tragic.

RK: I’m kidding.

PM: Dane, you wanna go?

DC: I’ll close it up. I’m still trying to think of who I want to pick.

PM: Jay?

JD: I guess since Gary picked Robert, I’ll pick Gary and say that I’m proud of him. He’s doing great things. He’s always been there to support and help me through a lot of comedy and mentor me. And he’s just a good friend.

RK: I think the one he was going to say about me would’ve been a little better. I would like to say something about the three guys.

PM: Ok.

RK: I’m going to take over. First of all, Jay Davis. I think that him learning to roll with the punches and learning to put himself out there and accept it, accept what he did as him, shows that he’s alright with himself. And that’s one of the biggest battles of a comedian is to know yourself good and bad and be ok with that and let people in on that. So I give him credit for that, that he’s learning how not to take himself so seriously and bring that up on stage and let the people in on that.

GG: He’s also ten times funnier than he was on the episodes.

RK: Yeah, he’s a lot funnier. People say, ‘How does Jay do on these shows that we’re doing.’ He’s only had maybe like 17 bad shows. No, I’m joking. He’s done great on all the shows. And people see him on the – they don’t show that much stand-up on Tourgasm – but they come to the shows and they’re like, ‘Wow, he’s really funny.’ So it’s good to see that, to see people actually dig his comedy too. Gary Gulman, look man, Gary is probably one of the nicest heartfelt human beings that I’ve ever met. He’s one of the warmest souls I’ve ever met. We’ve had ins and outs and hung out all the time. But when it comes down to it, whenever we see each other, there’s a warmth you get from Gary that you just want to be around and a sincerity that I love about Gary.

GG: That made my day. Thank you.

RK: And Dane Cook. He’s my brother. We’ve fought, we’ve fucking been friends, we’ve made up and you know, he’s the only guy that I could hang out on the phone with and really just… we laughed yesterday 20 minutes on the phone straight on one dumb thing that he said to me and it’s like… he’s my la famiglia. He’s my friend for life and he inspires me every fucking day to not give up and to keep going no matter what people think about you, whether they love you or hate you. So I would have to say that about those three guys.

PM: Well done.

DC: I’m going to pull a Bobby here too. One thing that’s made me really proud with the show airing is the reaction I get from fans basically thanking me for putting together a show that introduced them to Robert, Gary and Jay where they may not ever have been that familiar with them. Especially Bobby and Jay. A lot of people knew Gary from Last Comic. I think with Jay, he’s doing what a lot of people will never do. Jay is taking the risk. There’s a saying, ‘Look before you leap but if you look too long you spend your life looking and never leaping.’ And Jay is leaping. Jay is taking risks and he is brave enough to do that in front of millions of viewers. And that takes a lot of balls and I know a lot of my fans have come to me to say that they’re really inspired to see someone like Jay. And I’m inspired seeing Jay. So I would say I’m inspired by Jay and it reminds me of what I had to do to get past the point where everyone was pointing at me and saying, ‘You suck’ or ‘Bad choice’ or whatever it may be.

With Gary Gulman, I think Gary – again, speaking first for the fans – a lot of people are saying we’re so glad that we’re being introduced to Gary because like myself, I think Gary’s prolific and I think an element that Gary has that I know people appreciate and I appreciate and part of why I wanted him on the tour is he’s an intelligent human being and he brings a lot of intelligence to his comedy even if it’s whimsical or if it’s irreverent. I like the fact that Gary puts a lot of effort into being articulate in a way that I don’t think a lot of comics take the extra time to do. So I’m inspired by Gary as well in the way he approaches his comedy. It’s always interesting to work along somebody and look at them doing something in a way that you’ll know you’ll never do it. And so that to me is cool.

And then Robert. Ya know, Bobby is my brother from the start. He’s the first guy that ever whipped me into shape. He’s the first guy that ever said, ‘Fuck you, dude. You’re lying. You’re not living in the truth.’ And that changed the course of my life and career. And I think through the fans, the word that I get about Bobby a lot is that he’s deserving. He’s put a lot of time and energy into building something for himself. And I don’t think he’s seen a lot of the fruits of his labor but sometimes you just get one big harvest. You might not get crops for many, many years. And I think that Bobby is in that position. He may not have seen a lot of um, um…

RK: Corn?

DC: Yeah, not a lot of corn right away but now he’s, deservedly so, earning the fans. And I think the thing about Bobby’s act is that he’s a performer. Bobby is a one-man show. And I think he takes people for a ride. And he’s taken me for a ride over our 16-year friendship and career relationship and all that stuff. So, kind of encapsulating what the fans have said is what I believe. The fact that I get those comments through people, that’s why in my heart is why I brought these guys. It let’s me know that Tourgasm is and was and always will be perfect to the idea that we set forth and that we all achieved something. It doesn’t matter honestly what critics or what anybody else says. We set out to do something with our lives and our careers and we did it. End of story.

For more information, check out www.tourgasm.com.

Kyle Cease: One Dimple

by Dylan P. Gadino

Working off the idea that it’s easy to find comfort in familiar settings, Kyle Cease has found a winning formula for comedy: Gain your audience’s trust quickly by letting them know you’re one of them, then, make your buddies laugh.

Throughout his Comedy Central album, One Dimple, Cease accomplishes this by using pop culture references — more specifically, those that are known by anyone between the ages of 20 and 30 — to relate, and ultimately, kill his young audience.

Of course it helps that many of his fans have seen his memorable turns in 10 Things I Hate About You and Not Another Teen Movie. You remember: He was the overzealous slow clapper who just couldn’t get the timing right. Still, without chops, this album wouldn’t work. But it does.

Like a cross between Nick Swardson and Daniel Tosh, Cease maintains a quick pace and a strong voice throughout his set. Never a lull in tempo or volume, the 28-year-old Seattle native cranks out joke after joke, creating just enough urgency to keep the audience’s attention.

For the most part, his stand-up acts as a light-hearted review of our childhood (read: age requirements above). Although he swears somewhat liberally, his themes rarely wander into what most would consider adult-oriented material. He jokes about, among other things, using inverted calculators in school to write variations of the word “boobs,” blowing in your Nintendo (the original 8-bit model) to make it work and the absurdity of the old Sunny Delight commercials.

He also finds time to engage in observational wit: “The older you are in the locker room at the gym, the more fucking naked you have to be — old people are like a display case” — as well as the absurd, as in, “I told that joke to my mom, Bambi. Her name’s not Bambi. We just call her that because she’s a stripper and her mom was killed by a hunter.”

One Dimple also comes with a DVD containing an exhaustive film documenting Cease’s tour of 68 colleges in 2004, a Premium Blend appearance and commentaries by the comic himself.

Sure, Cease’s generation-specific comedy might not be for everyone, but for the most part, comedy that the mainstream could relate to through and through is usually vanilla at best, and just plain shitty at worst.

Tourgasm: Interview Part 1

by Dylan P. Gadino

Dane Cook’s new HBO series is redefining the way we look at stand-up comedy while changing the careers of four comics. Punchline Magazine checks in with the stars of Tourgasm and finds there’s always time to gild a lily.

Interview by Dylan P. Gadino

Dane Cook Every Sunday, the world’s most popular comedian today, Dane Cook and three of his longtime comic friends – Gary Gulman, Robert Kelly and Jay Davis – can be seen in HBO’s documentary series, Tourgasm. Filmed over 30 days during the group’s 20-college tour in the spring of 2005, viewers have been getting a serious glimpse inside the world of stand-up comedy. Whether the men are busting each other’s balls, causing themselves bodily harm or performing on stage, each episode is filled with plenty of laughs.

With a little help from conference call technology, Punchline Magazine recently chatted with all four comedians. To preserve the natural flow of the conversation and to give readers that sense of “being there,” what follows is largely unedited. Enjoy.

Dane Cook: Hey, what’s up everybody? Who do we got?

PM: Dylan from Punchline Magazine here.

DC: What’s going on, man?

PM: Not too much. Thank you so much for doing this.

DC: Alright listen, dude I gotta split.

PM: Oh man. Well, it’s been nice.

DC: Just playing, just playing. So Bobby and Gary are here? Who else is here?

PM: We’re actually waiting for Bobby.

Gary Gulman: Dane, how are you?

DC: I’m doing ok, man. I’m doing ok, I’ll give you a buzz after we’re done. I just got back. Hey, what’s up Jay?

Jay Davis: Hey, man.

Robert Kelly is on the line.

Robert Kelly: Hi, boys. (said in an effeminate tone)

DC: What’s up Roberto?

GG: Hi, Bobby.

RB: What’s up, Gary?

PM: Bobby, what’s up?

RK: What’s happening?

PM:Not too much. How are you?

RK: Good, I just tinkled.

PM: You just tinkled?

RK: Yeah.

PM: So you’re all empty?

RK: Yeah, I’m ready to go.

PM: Nice, so everyone’s here then.

DC: Do you want me to start with my questions, Dylan?

PM: You have questions?

DC: No, no you can go.

PM: So when was the last time you guys all saw each other in person?

DC: Who’s this for, Dylan? You gotta help us out here.

PM: It’s for everybody. Anybody could answer. Dane, you want to answer?

DC: Jay, you host and then bring Gary up.

RK: I’ll open. I’ll open and then bring me up but then next time you bring me up and then Gary.

JD: You got it.

DC: Let Gary start because I think Jay just woke up.

GG: We saw each other at the Tourgasm finale … what was the date of that, June something … like three weeks ago.

DC: Yep, that was episode nine that we all gathered together.

PM: And where was that?

GG: Santa Anita Race Track.

PM: Gotcha, gotcha.

RK: We filmed episode nine the other day, a few weeks ago. We all got together and did another little thingie, a little activity. We kinda closed out the show in such a fantastic way that we all almost died.

DC: The one thing about the show that people keep saying is ‘what the fuck is with all these activities that you guys did?’ It was like look, we’re comics. If we didn’t get up, we would’ve slept like most of the fucking day. The activities was basically so we could have a little thing called footage.

RK: Dane, can you not say ‘fucking’ though? Cause that’s not you.

DC: Sorry, let me make a sound. (makes a high pitched censored-for-TV-type of sound)

GG: Tourgasm was like a cruise and Dane and Brian [Volk-Weiss, executive producer] were the activities directors so we did a lot of senior citizen type…

JD: We needed to have a doctor on set. There were injuries on every activity.

RK: Most people don’t know this but Bill Hicks and Richard Pryor, if they ever toured they actually went mini golfing or go-kart racing just to pass the time of the day. Activities are a huge part of comedy. Am I lying guys?

DC: Bobby, throw a ‘fuck’ in there next time.

RK: Fuckin suck it, dummy.

PM: Do you guys miss each other or what?

JD: Yeah

GG: Yeah, we have a great time together.

JD: Bobby is right next door to me right now.

RK: I love you, Jay.

JD: I love you too, man.

DC: We’re all friends from back in the day anyway. I’ve known Bobby and Gary for most of my young adult life and I met jay on an online dating thing called eHarmony.

JD: we were on J-Date actually.

DC: So we’re all bonded by this craft, by this art form called stand-up tragedy. I mean comedy.

RK: Yeah, dude. Me and Gary used to wait tables together.

GG: At an Italian food restaurant. Bobby got me the job and now we have the same shrink.

RK: That’s right (laughs) the same shrink.

GG: I had a break though yesterday.

PM: Can you tell us about it

GG: Can I tell you about it? Um, no. It’s just between me, my therapist and Bobby Kelly.

RK: Cause I listened outside the door. No, I don’t do that, Gary. I loved the other day I go, ‘dude I can’t believe he charges me a hundred bucks.’ Gary goes, ‘he only charges you a hundred?’ (GG laughs) It’s the oldest comic trick in the book..

DC: I’ve never gone to therapy but I play Call of Duty 2. That’s where I get my aggressions out— with an online sniper rifle.

RK: There’s nothing better than playing you in Call of Duty or any war game over the net and shooting you in the face with a sniper rifle.

DC: Yeah, Bobby and I have spent probably the entire year from 2000 to 2001 playing Quake.

RK: And I think 98 percent of that is you killing me and shooting me and then laughing hysterically typing ‘Hahaha’ in three different languages.

PM: Where is everyone right now?

RK: look behind you

PM: What you don’t know is that I have a giant poster of you guys right behind me.

RK: really?

PM: No

RK: That’s fucking weird.

DC: Dane Cook is in Los Angeles, California.

RK: Bob Kelly is in San Francisco

JD: And I am also in San Francisco with Robert Kelly (voice is very deep and gruff)

PM: Who is that?

JD: Jay

GG: Gary Gulman is in New York City.

DC: Jay, did you get a sex change?

JD: This is my speaking voice.

DC: I never heard this voice come out of your body, dude… drink some water

JD: What do I sound like?

RK: You sound like a tranny.

JD: Well I am in San Fran.

DC: Gulman, are you in New York?

GG: Yeah, I’m in Barry’s old apartment. (ed. note: Barry = possibly manager Barry Katz?)

DC: Gotcha.

RK: But, Dylan, to answer your question. I’m very happy that Gary’s in New York cause I get to see him and it’s nice to shoot the shit and hang out and I do miss Dane and Jay’s with me now. But I think we’re all going to see each other on Monday and Tuesday again.

DC: Yeah, we’re going in to do commentary for a little series we did for HBO called Tourgasm.

GG: That’s for the DVD?

DC: Yeah.

GG: Oh, cool.

(Someone hums the old school HBO theme song)

DC: It’ll be fun reminiscing.

PM: Reminiscing about a few weeks ago?

RK: Well, you know what, everybody thinks I hurt my knee last week, dude. [ed. note: Bobby fucks his knee up playing football in episode four)

JD: I got people texting me, ‘I hope Bobby’s knee’s ok. I got a text from a girl going ‘man, I really hope that guy Bobby’s knee is getting better. I feel bad.’

RK:I was walking through New York the other day and this dude is like ‘your knee’s better already?’ And I’m like ‘ugh, yeah.’ I didn’t want to get into it.

PM: The magic of television.

RK: The magic of television, exactly.

PM: So How is your knee?

RK: It’s actually still fucked up. It pops off a lot but I’m gonna get it fixed I think in 07. I’m gonna get a cadaver knee in there. Actually Dane’s donating his knee. I’m gonna have a Dane Cook knee.

PM: What’s Dane going to use for a knee?

RK: Um, he doesn’t need knees. He’s gonna get a bionic knee. He’s always wanted to be bionic so he’s gonna get a bionic knee. (everyone laughs) He’s going to be able to jump really high on one leg. He’s going to be the pogo stick champion of Japan.

PM: Dane, can you confirm this?

RK: I think I got a little too greedy on the laughs I was getting from the other fellas. I should’ve stopped it at the bionic knee. What do you think, Gary?

GG: Well, I think you kinda gilded the lily with the Japan pogo stick reference

RK: Gilded the lily? Wow!

DC: That should be your next album, Gul.

GG: Gilding the lily?

RK: Mine’s going to be called Less Talented. (Gulman laughs very loudly) and it’s going to look like the cover of the Hollywood Reporter.

(Dane laughs heartily and Gulman is squeaking now he’s laughing so hard)

GG: Let’s explain that. That is in reference to a Hollywood Reporter article calling the three of us non-Dane people ‘his less talented friends.’

DC: But that was after they said that I was not funny to anybody.

RK: So we’re even less funny and less talented than that.

DC: They’re like the Jeopardy! losers of funny. They’re negative funny and I’m just not funny.

GG: That’s the report in Hollywood.

RK: And that guy who wrote the article is fucking hysterical. He’s hilarious. He knows comedy.

DC: I hear him and three other Hollywood Reporter writers are going out on a bus together. They’re going to write reviews around the country (waiting for a laugh)… nothing?

RK: I think you gilded the lily.

DC: I’m a lily gilder. I just want you to know how fast my business mind works. I already have ‘Gilded the Lily’ shirts on my website … 19 dollars too much.

PM: Let me ask a really serious question here. This is super serious.

RK: Yes, I’m gay.

DC: Oh, Jesus.

RK: I’m joking, I’m not. I have a fiancé.

PM: How has this show affected your lives?

DC: Good question. Jay you start and we’ll go around the horn. Can I say that?

PM: Sure

JD: Well, I mean people recognize me and I’m able to get on the road more and clubs are booking me and I’m getting the opportunity to feature on the road. So I’ve stepped up from opener to feature act and looking forward to building more material to get into the headlining spot and gild a lily.

RK: What the fuck? Nothing has happened to my career

PM: Really?

RK: No, I’m joking. One, I got almost 5,000 new friends on MySpace in three weeks. Two. I patrol my email everyday for nude pics of titties and ass from women who think I’m cute and three, I’m making a lot more money on the road and I’m getting recognized. You know what aggravates me though? Jay’s with me. We’re kinda doing this little show together on the road here and he gets recognized more than me because of that fucking hair do. I’m not even kidding, dude. Anywhere we are it’s like, hey you’re that guy and he’s gotta go, ‘this is Rob Kelly from the show.’ Apparently, chunky and bald doesn’t come across well on TV as much as thin and highlights.

PM: Have you thought about frosting your bald head?

RK: Yes I have.

GG: With actual butter cake frosting.

RK: I was going to put the stuff they put on honey buns from Holiday Inn Expresses. But yeah, things have definitely changed. People notice more. You know when you notice it more. I don’t know if you guys notice it. Gary, you’ve been in the public eye for a while, Dane you too. When you get on stage, when you just do a random spot somewhere and you kinda hear a hhhuuuuh!! in the crowd (does that excited inhaling thing people do) then once they realize it’s not Dane coming on stage… I was on at the Comedy Cellar the other night and they go, ‘you guys know him from HBO’s Tourgasm. Let’s give it up for…. (excited inhale) Robert Kelly.’ (disappointed exhale)

PM: Gary, how about yourself?

GG: I have 6,000 new MySpace friends.

RK: WHAT?

GG: I’m just fucking with you, Bobby.

RK: That’s the oldest trick in the book.

GG: I knew that would upset you. Yeah, I get a lot of, ‘hey you’re Gary Gulman’ and I say ‘no but I get that a lot.’ I guess I haven’t been out on the road like Bobby and Jay but I do get recognized from that show a lot. When I was on Last Comic Standing I got recognized by people in their 30s and 40s and with Tourgasm, I’m very popular among teenagers and college kids so its really cool. It’s a whole new audience.

PM: And Dane?

RK: Yeah Dane, how has it changed your fucking life?

DC: You know how you think something’s a dream and you’re going to wake up any minute and it’s all going to be over? I’m hoping that happens. (they all laugh)

RK: I love how Dylan said I’m going to ask a serious question.

DC: Yeah, that’s how I do it, that’s how I hook you in. That’s how I pull you in. I’m staying as busy as always. I like to do my thing and move on to the next whatever it is because if you can’t focus too long on the last one. You know there’s always people that come in that like your choices or hate your choices so I have found in years past when you sit around with your success or even failure too long it’s no good. So Tourgasm is like that time in my life and I’m proud of it. I’m proud that the fans are tuning in and people are downloading. The first episode is the number one downloaded thing on iTunes. People are watching it on their Cingular phones. We’re getting tons of MySpace response so speaking directly from Tourgasm, I set out to accomplish something and the four of us set out to accomplish something and we did it. The goal was achieved and the bonus is that it’s on HBO. So in that regard, I’m thrilled. And beyond that, I’ve done a couple of movies and I’m getting ready to go up and do another one called Good Luck Chuck that we start in a couple of weeks in Vancouver and after that I’m doing another film with Steve Carell called Dan in Real Life and in between that I’ll just be working on new stand-up. And my HBO special is going to be airing September 4th and that’s the one I filmed back in Boston. So a little rest and then I’m bound and determined to do something else that’s interesting to me.

RK: I really have to learn how to answer fucking questions. That was beautiful.

DC: Yeah, you are a wreck.

RK: I’m fucking ‘blah b blah b blah’ and you’re like ‘life is good…’

GG: Yeah, but you were able to work in the naked pictures of titties and ass and I think that’s worth it.

RK: Yeah, that’s why I gotta switch it up, Gary. I need your help, dude. I need to gild the lily with some positive shit.

GG: I’m always here.

RK: Thanks, man. Can I change my answer?

PM: Yeah, absolutely.

RK: Um, things are going well. Things are going good. I’m glad things are happening. You know what you gotta do is not sit too long with what you’re doing now, you have to go forward and move on and do other stuff. So that’s what I’m going to do.

PM: That was very inspirational.

RK: Thanks, man.

DC: Bobby, I just deleted your MySpace account.

RK: Again?

JD: Can I just say this to answer that question?

PM: Yeah

JD: It’s good to be single right now.

PM:It’s good to be single right now? What are you alluding to, Jay Davis?

JD: I’ve never dated so many girls in my life.

PM: And by date, what do you mean?

JD: Just dating different girls right now, been shopping around.

RK: I love that. He’s the only single one out of the bunch of us.

DC: So in other words, if there were in AIDS party, Jay is closest to being invited.

JD: Nah, it’s not like that. Actually, there’s one girl I like right now so that’s cool.

PM: Ahhh, Jay’s got a crush.

JD: No, there’s a girl who’s been treating me nicer than all the other girls so that’s the one I’m swaying towards.

PM: Alright

RK: Who’s that?

JD: You know, I like that one. I don’t want to name her in an interview.

PM: Sure you do. That’s exactly what you want to do.

JD: Her name is Monique then. She’s pretty nice.

GG: Monique? The overweight black comic? I love her.

RK: (doing bad Monique impression) ‘Jay Davis is a motherfucker. He eats my pussy like chicken.’

For the conclusion of our interview, when the Tourgasm boys get emotional, click here > > > TOURGASM: Interview Part 2

For more information, check out tourgasm.com.