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I feel guilty.

For what I’ve done and what I’ve failed to do.

Sounds ominous doesn’t it? Oh it is. If this were a rap song there’d be all sorts of urban assault music in the background, automatic gunfire sound effects galore and the occasional oil drum explosion.

The sensation in your loins would inspire thoughts of DMX laying the pipe to two naked women made of fire. “I’m not a nice person,” he would say.

But that’s a COMPLETE digression. Damn you, DMX– with all of your pitbulls and aggression and whatnot!

Being Guilted By The Guilty
I’m going to keep all the actual names and circumstances and names confidential for the sake of those involved.

I have a really close friend. Let’s call her Debbie. Debbie has a mom. Let’s call her Unicorn Bitchfest Johnson.

UBJ (Yoobj we call ‘er) is constantly guilting Debbie about moving away from home. Look UBJ, Debbie is amazing and her HJs are fantastic. Let’s just call this what it is, a better situation for Debbie to put her hands on me. It’s that simple. Debbie loves me. Debbie LOVES me.

I know for a fact that you have your own issues UBJ. For instance, you love stuff with wolves on it. Wolves and bluejays. Now why is that? Who’s guilty of shopping on the side of the road in one of Arizona’s many truckstops now Issues McGuilt-Lowenstein? (I’ve changed her name again. How are you even following this?)

America: True or False?
I don’t have the answer to that age old query, but I do know this: 47% of Americans will die each year if we don’t start walking around the country with a canteen and a map saying stuff like, “There it is, Ethel– Gary, Indiana. You can see the smoke stacks in the distance. Isn’t it glorious?”

This part of the Andy Juett Empire of Media Blog is brought to you by nonne other than America By Foot. This is undoubtedly a group that my grandparents have come in contact once or twelve hundred times.

Old people. Give ‘em twenty bucks and some binoculars and they’re both happy as a clam AND fit as a fiddle. Maybe we could learn something from their “healthy” lifestyle.

Wait a second. Respect the elderly? Learn from those “wiser” than us? That’s HILARIOUS! Octagenarians are so out right now. Like Uggs or Cavariccis.

Ask The Polish Cowboy Allen Yamiolkoski for Advice
Yeah. This is a really good idea. Colorado Springs radio station KVUU-FM My 99.9 has asked my roommate Allen Yamiolkoski (aka The Polish Rifleman) to give their listeners ADVICE. Way to think that one through, Clear Channel. Check out the intro video below and check back often as I’m sure Al will pretty much be a superdouche throughout this ordeal…and you can be a part of it. Bookmark this Polish delight. You won’t be sorry.

Cats In Hats Update
Check out my Kristi’s blog on Cats In Hats. This is a kickback to the last blog. I’ve gotten SO many emails about this that I just HAD to post it.