Hey, gas burners! Got a donut in your mouth? Yeah. We’re talking to you, America. Your global warming horseshit is keeping us cold. Let us explain.

The extreme pendular swings of shitty weather caused by excessive CFCs (produced by large automobiles like Andy’s) in the atmosphere has to stop. It’s May in Colorado. May. And it’s FUCKING cold. Kristi and I thought it might be a nice idea to demonstrate the insanity of the current weather conditions by driving from Colorado Springs to Breckenridge, Colorado…Thereby effectively demonstrating that winter is NOT OVER here.

We thought maybe since you’d be worried about us, you’d change your OWN habits to save us. Right.

Let’s go kill the ozone, Colorado! (pronounced Cah-luh-rah-duh)

Shitcocks, it’s gonna be fun!

Even though I’m semi-retarded, your stance on erf-politics is dead on. Let’s go.

Put in my mixtape, woman. I need to feel like a man in nature right now. With my mixtapes.

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If you’ve caught Greg Fitzsimmons recently – either live onstage or on his weekly Sirius satellite radio show – you know he has a bit of a problem with guitarist Dave Navarro. You might also know that the problem started in January while Fitz was hosting the AVN porn awards in Las Vegas.

The last I heard about it was during his March 5 hosting duties at the Gerry Red Wilson Foundation benefit in New York when he addressed his hatred for Navarro at the request of an overzealous audience member. I thought that was pretty much the end of it. Not so. In an interview for LAist, writer Tim Hammer prodded the comic a bit more.

Tell me a little more about what’s up with you and Dave Navarro?
I don’t know what that guy’s deal is. He manages porn stars and directs or something. He was there at the AVNs hosting the red carpet show. I am on stage hosting and he is in the front row, right in front of me. There he is sitting with his 3⁄4 length leather coat and sunglasses with arms crossed and he won’t even look in my direction. I just found it really disrespectful, from one performer to another.

So I went on Stern and called him a piece of shit. I called him the “Mexican Prince.” I called him a few other names. When he went on the Stern show a week or two later, Stern played him the clips of me talking about him. Then he said some shit about me. So ever since then I have said it on my show, on Howard’s show on a few other things that I’m challenging him to a fight, boxing, mixed martial arts, whatever.

We can do it on Pay Per View. I want to take out all my aggression and anger I have towards the cool LA guys, which is exactly what he is. The guys in LA are pussies, with their bleached hair and their contrived code words they use. Cool in LA is the total opposite of New York cool. Cool in New York is being open minded and being smart.

Out here [in L.A.] it’s all about just conforming and going with the crowd. I’d love to fight him, but he doesn’t have the balls. The only contact I’ve had with him since is an email from his publicist asking me to come on his Internet radio show. My response to the email was “Pass. Tell Dave to see me in the ring.”

The funny thing is, Fitzsimmons sounds serious. At least he’s honest about having pent up, and perhaps, misdirected hostility. Will the two ever come to blows? If so, Greg, I suggest you go straight for the nip rings.

Click here to become Andy Juett’s best mySpace buddy. He likes to be fed warm milk straight from the teat after 7. So remember that.

I hate to say it, but I’m officially annoyed by BOTH Clintons.

For years I espoused modest endearment for Slick Willie and his half-cocked Yosemite Sam meets Wilt Chamberlin Ameri-pimp attitude.

Don’t get me wrong, there were elements of his modus operandi that were ALWAYS offensive to me (see, “I didn’t inhale”…did you REALLY say that?), but I was able to dismiss some of his major muffs by comfortably falling back on the belief that he would know what to do in critical situations (see DIPLOMACY…I’m talking to you big Georger.) That’s not happening right now.

Here’s the deal Billiam, Hillary needs to pipe down and so do YOU.

Yesterday you told a bunch of old Democrats to “chill out” in San Jose. You pontificated about the benefits of dragging out the Democratic Presidential Primary. CHILL OUT? Nobody needs a nice steamroller pull more than you, captain.

Billy, You went from badass to pain-in-the-ass.

In 2006, you seemed to be back. You were kicking it with Bush Sr. (sucking it up) raising money for people who NEEDED help in Indonesia post-Tsunami. Nice.

In 2007, you got the Democrats back on their talking points and made Chris Wallace from Fox News VERY uncomfortable.

Please don’t e-mail me and try to convince me that Wallace looked dignified or tough. If you do that, I’ll just laugh at you and write you off as a crazy person that chooses to create the fiction along with the Fox News network in your head as you watch that bullshit.

Until recently, the Clintons were helmed by a womanizing hillbilly that made most of the headlines. Sure, Hillary’s press was abundant, but cold, bitchy and boring.

It took far more than a village for me to give a shit about her newsworthy happenings given her cranky, persistently calculated “straight talk.”

If you e-mail me to try and convince me that you really believe that she’s NOT cold and bitchy and insincere (See Amy Poehler’s Clinton on SNL) and that I’m another male in a long list of media assholes painting a “woman” into the corner of PMS, I’ll take a shit on your front porch.

No. That is not related to anything I’ve written thus far in this piece. I just really want to defecate where you live. I’m taking classes. It’ll all be fine.

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It’s Friday, kids. That means it’s time for you to tune into The Danny Lobell Show at comicalradio.com or at cringehumor.com from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. EST. Today, Danny and co. welcomes comedians Lenny Clarke, Basil and more. Punchline Magazine editor in chief, Dylan Gadino will also be live in studio today (about 1:20 p.m.) to deliver the Punchline Magazine Weekly Wrap Up.

For now, check out Janeane Garofalo’s pre-interview from when she was on The Danny Lobell Show a few weeks back.

Stephen Colbert will appear today at 4 p.m. EST on comedian Pete Dominick’s new Sirius chat show, Pete’s Big Mouth (2-5 p.m.) on Indie Talk, channel 110.

Here’s some snippets from the taped interview:

Stephen Colbert if he was President and it’s “3:00 am and the [red] phone rings…”

PETE DOMINICK: It’s 3:00 am and the [red] phone rings in Stephen Colbert’s White House. It’s the eighth day of your presidency…because seriously, who starts running the country on day one?
STEPHEN COLBERT: …You’re hung over for the first seven…
PETE DOMINICK: Does President Colbert answer the phone with judgment or experience, and what are you wearing sir?
STEPHEN COLBERT: …I’m wearing a nightshirt because I’m a traditionalist.

Stephen Colbert on “Stephen Colbert”:

PETE DOMINICK: Does the character Stephen Colbert ever manage to convince the real Stephen Colbert on a political or social issue?
STEPHEN COLBERT: Not that this isn’t the highest [ranking] interview I’ve ever done, but when Morley Safer was interviewing me for 60 Minutes, he said do you ever feel like you would be in danger of going too far with this? And I said: ‘I think the only chance I have of ever really doing this character well is if at some point I believe my own line of crap’…

Click here to become friends with Andy Juett. No matter what anyone says, he does NOT have a chancre on his chest.

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READ BELOW or perish.

Barack: Girl…I’ma make love to ya til the sun comes up.

Michelle: You promise?

Barack: Yeah girl: We got seven more delegates in Wyoming. Uuuuuuuh.

Michelle: Are you sure we got the delegates?

Barack: Yes. Absolutely, honey.

Michelle: Are you absolutely SURE we got the delegates in Wyoming?

Barack: Yes. I’m sure. It’s a done deal.

Michelle: Did you take the trash out?

Barack: Yeah.

Michelle: Listen to me very carefully. DID…YOU…TAKE…THE…TRASH…OOOOOOOOOOUT?

Barack: Yeah baby. I’m gonna have a sandwich.

Michelle: I went to Target today and had the worst gas. Have you been to the new Target yet?

Barack: No. Could you get me a Coke?

Michelle: You haven’t even been to the NEW TARGET YET BARACK? What have you been doin’?

Barack: Campaigning mainly. But you know that. I got seven in Wyoming baby. Remember? We were talking about love making and…

Michelle: They have two for one mustard at Target right now.

Barack: Awesome.

Michelle: Yes!!! I found my car keys!!!

Barack: I didn’t know they were gone.

Michelle: What do you mean you didn’t know they were gone? They’ve been lost for weeks. We talked about this. And you called Mike Herndon at Tire World and took care of a duplicate for me.

Barack: That was not me.

Michelle: Are you….absolutey SURE…that wasn’t you?

Barack: Yes. I’m sure.

Michelle: Wow. I’m frazzled. You are so wise Barack. Would you…like to see my new shoes?

Barack: I don’t know. I just want to eat and go have a sauna. I’ll probably play some Nintendo on the big screen and go to bed.

Michelle: Alright poopy. High five for Wyoming. Are you sure you don’t want momma puddin’ to dress up in her outfit?

Barack: Um…No Michelle. I’ve been gone all day and we were about to get crazy and now you’re talking to me about pickle specials at the store. You’re not understanding. I’m a MAN. I have desires. I want some syrup with my pancakes Mimsy.

Michelle: Barack. That’s not fair.

Barack: Look baby. I’m not trying to start a fight.

Michelle: What EXACTLY am I not doing for you right now Barack? I’m out there kicking ass for you every day. I’m stomping ass…for YOU Barack. I mean. What can I do for you Barack? Huh? Answer me.

Barack: Baby. I love you. I’m sorry. I’m just tired and cranky and fired up and wiped out from being on the road.

Michelle: That’s nice Barack. Let me ask you this. Did you eat all the chips?

Barack: What? Come on Michelle. I’m tired.

Michelle: Did you or did you not eat ALL the chips?

Barack: Yes. I did.

Michelle: I forgive you baby.

Barack: Thank you honey.

Michelle: I love you.

Barack: I love you too baby. 2000-GREAT.

Michelle: Night.
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Click here to become friends with Andy Juett. He once coughed up a ball of blood at a funeral. And he is a frequent shopper at K-Mart.

March 9, 1974
Tuckahoe Coffee
Little Rock, Arkansas

Bill: Hill. I’ve been thinking. Things between us are getting pretty serious and I think you really ought to consider being a little dirtier for me in the sack.

Hillary: Oooooooooook. Um. What wasn’t dirty about you smoking a fatty and looking down at me grunting while I fellated you?

Bill: That was wooooooonderful baby. That’s not what I’m getting at, moonbeam of mine. Listen. All I’m saying is let’s get some food products involved. I want to eat ketchup and eggs off your tummy, girl. Let the warthog eat. I’m pawin’ at the dirt, you little minx. After we’re done I’ll read you some Adam Smith aloud and we’ll snuggle all Sunday afternoon.

Hillary: That sounds more like it. But I’d rather read O’Pioneers by Will Cather to YOU while you wash me with a sponge. There’s something about reading stories with women that must have had trouble grooming their feminine nexus on the rough road that makes me quiver like a child.

Bill: (Grunt) Clearing my throat helps me focus. When I’m like, really stressed out, I love to just hork up as much phlegm as possible and just empty my food pipe of it’s human mucous dander.

Hill: I like wool.

Bill: Man I could go for some potatoes and an original copy of Leaves of Grass. And some grass. And a donut.

Hill: Totally. I want some almonds.

Bill: You want me to go get you some?

Hill: No. I’ll just have to take a worse shit than I already have brewing.

Bill: I really want a chili dog.

Hill: Have you ever felt like settling down at a rest stop and just sleeping on the floor? No judging. Just right on the tile. I love how hard and unyielding public restroom floors are. My back hurts.

Bill: No. Can you pass me the creamer? This coffee is a little much.

Hill: I’m feeling engorged. Could you unfasten my hernia truss please? Good coffee by the way.

Bill: Oh yeah. GREAT coffee. I have this wart behind the heel of my foot and I’m wondering if that is too high up to be a plantar’s wart.

Hill: I like pretty dresses.

Bill: Let’s get married.

Hill: I really have to pooh.

Bill: That’s fair. Miss? Could you tell us how big the women’s restroom is here?

Hill: I’ve got it. Thank you. I’ll check myself honey. You’re so sweet.

Bill: Always wipe front to back!

Each week, we call The Danny Lobell Show and give their fine listeners info on what’s new in comedy and which national hot shows to check out. Here’s the segment from this past Friday, also featuring comedian Ray Ellin, founder of DailyComedy.com and host of LateNet with Ray Ellin. Enjoy.

This past weekend, I was listening to one of my favorite radio shows/podcasts This American Life as they went backstage with comedy writers at The Onion.

Seems at the start of production each week at the satiral newspaper, the writers start with a list of about 600 headlines. Wanna know how they whittle that down to 16? Sure you do; it’s a great listen.

Isn’t it refreshing when someone who’s job is usually to be funny and entertaining, let’s down their guard and allows the audience to see a little of who they really are? Comedian/actor, Andy Dick, shared one of these candid moments with listeners this morning on the Adam Corolla Show.

After a brief discussion over who wet the bed longest as a child, Andy shared how relieved he felt after his father passed away. He told a story about how his father was being cared for at home before he died. The family took the day shift and Andy took the nights.

“One night I remember my dad was sitting up in his bed and kissing everybody and saying his good byes,” Andy explained. “Then he just rolled out of bed and fell to the floor. My now ex-wife was there and I remember that I didn’t want her to see my father because he was naked and I was embarrassed for him. So I had to run to my brother’s room and splash water on his face to wake him up and make him help me roll our dad on to a sheet and get him back on the bed. It was really a hard time.”

All too often, we are reminded of a celebrity’s humanism by a publicized incident involving drugs or alcohol. Andy’s the rule, not the exception, in this case. So as I listened to his story I felt more like I could relate to this guy. I have my own father issues and stories of emotional distress.

My point is that we all tend to treat performers as though they are more than human. And when they mess up or fall short of our expectations (like show up to Comedy Central Roasts and bite peoples’ hands) we don’t cut them any slack.