Adieu Gary Gygax…My 12-Sided Memories: A Look Back at our Dungeons AND…our Dragons
By Andy Juett and Allen Yamiolkoski
Gary Gygax. Sounds like a porn star that had sex with an alien doesn’t it? Well sorry. He didn’t even like porn. But he did loooooooove rolling the dice and making Dungeons and Dragons memories. With you and me.
Allen Yamiolkoski (The Polish Cowboy) and I look to commemorate the passing of Gary Gygax by taking a time machine back to some of our greatest D & D kills of all time.
A collection of transcripts from Allen’s spiral notebook of reminiscings and my floppy disks full of D & D character information have been abbreviated in this glorious retelling of THE TOUCANS GREATEST D & D QUESTS: Volume XII!!!
April 4, 1996 - The Purple Worm
I was a 7th level Paladin. It was a weird time. Yari the Dwarf was killed in my last adventure by “Bunnybees.” The Dungeon Master explained to me that basically since I’d rolled a dice combination that was a 1 in 24,000 probablity, Yari should be eaten by little rabbits with stingers. Eek! Hornet hares. They don’t respond to regeneration spells.
I protested the kill but he Dungeon Master wouldn’t budge. My invisibility cloak wasn’t keeping anyone in the crab-berry thicket dry despite my 9th level spell power and my Gorg-scrotum sack full of beams Of Light Dust. I mean, it was really FUCKED UP.
Allen looked at me and we both nodded. It was clear. We needed a big dice roll. We submitted new special dice to the Dungeon Master in our Crown Royal bag stolen from my uncle after a casual house-sitting.
Three 24-sided die. 3 colors. Infinite destinies.
Long story short, we were about 2,000 hit points “in” with a +3 Magic Sword rating and we were all out of Dunder Balls from the Horse People.
Just as Allen rolled triple 17’s Steven’s (Steven is Al’s brother) friend, incidentally named Gary (R.I.P. Gary Gygax…your my Biggie Smalls in the Wizard’s Overalls,) spilled Vernor’s all over Allen’s spell scroll.
We’re talking some serious D-squared banishment from the living room area. I shit you not. This game got D & D & D & D & Dangerous.
Blood and graph paper was everywhere. I think I smelled some acidic smelling piss. It might not have been human. It might have been Gorg piss.
Gary gave us the kill due to the party foul. It wasn’t legit because the dice were still moving but it was pretty much THREE 17’s. I never washed those dice. They’re still sticky. And yes. I still hold them. But not in the shower.
