The lovable Queen of Mean Lisa Lampanelli recently released her first book, Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks. And apparently all of her writing just couldn’t fit into the tome. So now, exclusively for you, Punchline Magazine readers, Lisa guest blogs and offers some perspective and advice. Next week, we’ll be rolling out a full-length interview with the comedian. For now, enjoy this!

Ladies, this is one area in which you really piss me off. You want it both ways. You dress like ho’s at clubs because you don’t want to wait in line to get in and have people buy you free drinks.

But then you get angry when you get hit on all night. Bitches, hear me loud and clear: That’s the game you’re playing. If you wear a skirt so small your ass cleavage has to be categorized as top or bottom to a place men go to get drunk, YOU’RE GOING TO ATTRACT SOME ATTENTION. And don’t kid yourselves – that’s what you wanted to begin with!

And men, you’re no better. You guys are too stupid to hit within your range. Do you morons honestly think women work out every day, pay thousands of dollars on their clothes, hair, make-up, and tanning sessions so they can go home with the fat, balding guy with the camel toe? Fellas, get real. She was completely drunk and horny, and the thought of being with you just ended both. When she said you could buy her a drink, she meant you could buy her a drink and then get lost.

That’s why I’ve come up with the following system: When you walk into a club, the staff should assign you a number based on appearance with number 10 being the hottest. Then you are only allowed to hit on people with your number or lower. It helps everyone. The ladies aren’t having their time wasted by a troll, and the men aren’t wasting their money on a tease.

Sadly, I have noticed recently that most women who dress like ho’s usually look like shit.

So, as a public service, here are the Queen of Mean’s rules to dressing like the perfect ho:

1) If your tits are smaller than your stomach, don’t wear a tube top;
2) Too much make-up won’t make you pretty. It will show how ugly you are;
3) Don’t wear an ankle bracelet if you have cankles;
4) If you can see your fat rolls through your clothes, don’t go to the club. Go to the gym;
5) If your tits hit your knees, wear a bra;
And lastly,
6) If you labia is in danger of falling out of your G-string, wear some granny panties. There’s nothing less attractive than roast beef flapping in the breeze.

Click the image below to buy Lisa’s book.