Lisa Lampanelli: Insults with a side of sensitive

by Emma Kat Richardson

Lisa Lampanelli has made a career out of insulting every shade of person of Earth. It’s why her fans love her. But her devoted followers are finding new reasons to embrace the veteran comedian. In her new book, we’re introduced to the softer, sensitive insult comic.

There’s nothing inherently earth-shattering about a memoir surrounding addiction, set in a rehab facility. That is, of course, unless that same earth is being shattered under the impressive fist of Lisa Lampanelli: comedian, shit-talker, and now, author.

Although the comedian’s trademark anger, biting social commentary, and profound tendency towards all things decidedly un-PC have brought her to near-icon status, the side of Lampanelli her diehard fans are perhaps less acquainted with includes much sensitivity, vulnerability, and the deep-seeded demons of addiction. Hence comes the debut memoir from the former journalist, Chocolate, Please – a riveting and often harrowing account of Lampanelli’s struggle to fight addictions to both toxic men and toxic eating habits.

But it’s not all doom and gloom for comedy’s lovable “queen of mean”; found in ample quality alongside Lampanelli’s brutally honest prose are jokes by the barrel, good-natured racial jabs, and yes, more than one ringing declaration of her love for the black man.

Checking in with Punchline Magazine for a 6:30 a.m. phone call, Lampanelli discusses her writing process, getting through rehab, and why Oprah can suck a fat one.

What compelled you to write this book? Was it your stints in rehab, or was it something bigger than that?
It was much bigger – it’s called an advance check. I’ve got a lot of expenses: I’ve got a publicist and a manager, the agents managers to pay for. I’ve got to pay a lot of Jews is what I’m trying to say. It was pretty much that; plus, once you go to these rehabs for food and for men, it’s interesting enough crap to write about. It’s not just writing about your dumb childhood or anything like that. Howard Stern seemed to be fascinated by the stories, and once he’s interested, you go, ‘Hmm. I bet people would like to hear this.’

So why did you decide to put the stories in book form instead of just using them in your stand-up?
Because [the book] isn’t hard punch lines; it’s an actual book. It’s not like in the ‘80s, when people used to write books and they’d have all this recycled crap that didn’t belong in a book, things that should have been on a stage but was too bad to do in public. Like, this is a taste of what’s not on the stage and delegated to the book. But I was like, ‘this is actually a story, so I’m going to write it.’ I didn’t have a ghostwriter because I was a journalist, so I have no excuse not to write it. So boom – it’s a book. It’s very funny throughout. I’m actually proud of it; I don’t hate it. That’s the highest praise I can give myself: I don’t hate it.

Did you have a difficult time getting your brand of humor to translate from the stage to the page?
No, no, because like I said, as a former writer, I already know how to write funny. What was difficult was actually sitting down and actually doing it because it’s a pain in the ass. It’s hard to go over those events from your childhood; hard to go over recent events, even if it’s recent breakups and therapy stuff and working on yourself. It was really like taking a dump, except I used much less paper.

Jokes.com
Lisa Lampanelli: Hot Chocolate
comedians.comedycentral.com

Was writing it a cathartic experience for you?
Not really. It just sucked because it’s hard, like the minute it was done, I was like, ‘I’m never writing a book again!’ It was horrible, but I probably will write part two. I might be smart enough to make it a book with a lighter subject matter, meaning like, oh, you know, hey, here’s a relationship book. Here’s an advice book, or something like that. Maybe a ‘How to get along with different races’ book. But oh my god, writing stuff that you really have to dredge up on – never again. Who cares? Until after my parents die and I’m allowed to write what’s really going on, forget it.

Are you worried that some members of your core fan-base might be turned off by the departure from the insult humor into a more honest, vulnerable rhetoric?
Nah, because there are punch lines throughout it. Like, if there was a bunch of prose that was just like, ‘Oh, and then I got molested, and then I got corn holed by my uncle,’ people would be like, ‘Blech!’ But throughout, there’s literally not a paragraph without something funny in it. I literally went paragraph by paragraph and was like, “Okay, add something here. Add something here,” so that people would still be like, “Oh, man, that’s a funny bitch.”

Can you take me through the writing process a little bit? The book is pieced together in parts – there’s the opening section where you talk about your love of black men; the middle biographical section; and then it ends with “Lisa’s Rules.” How did you decide to piece it together in that way?
The way I wanted to do it was: what I’m known for, how I got that way, and just what happened next. The rules were supposed to [match up] with each chapter, but then it seemed to interrupt the flow of the book, so we stuck them all in the back and put them as Lisa’s Rules to Live By. It flows much nicer because it still has to do with the book but it doesn’t interrupt the story line. Because the story line throughout all the rehab and the codependency and the breakup stuff is really interesting, and you just want to go to the next thing; you don’t want it to be cock blocked by all these little thoughts. These are funny enough to stand on their own that you can just put them in their own section and people will get a kick out of them.

But the writing process itself sucks. I knew I had to do 36,000 words, so what I did was divide that amount up by how many words I had to write per day, and the second I hit that [goal], I was like okay, I’m done for the day. It’s so strenuous to go through it, and then you think of notes when you’re in the shower, and you’re like, ‘Oh yeah, I have to tell them about that thing that happened,’ and that thing from eighth grade or whatever. I was just like ugh. Let me get this done one chapter at a time, one day at a time, and it’ll finally be done. I was like to the letter as far as the amount of words [I needed]. I thought, ‘I’m not writing one bit more than I have to. This sucks.’

That’s why guys get ghostwriters. First of all, they can’t write, so I get it. You’re not a writer by trade, you can’t write, so you get a ghostwriter – that’s why. Also, the great thing about doing it their way is that you say it into a tape recorder with a guy and then he goes through all the crap of writing it. At the time I was writing, I didn’t have a boyfriend or anything because I was taking a year off from dating to work on my codependency bullshit, and I thought, ‘What am I supposed to do?’ I wasn’t allowed to have sex, and I wasn’t allowed to overeat. If you want to lose weight, write a book: you might even get anorexic.

That could provide material for the sequel.
Yeah! It works.

Jokes.com
Lisa Lampanelli: Losers
comedians.comedycentral.com

Since you normally filter your stories through a live audience, did lacking that immediate feedback affect your writing process at all?
Well no, because I’m smart enough to read it over. Anything I find funny is funny to everybody else. It’s rare after 18 years to not know what hits, so I read it over and added punch lines; I talked to my manager and said ‘Dude, tell me where this whole part is missing something,’ and she’s really good at that. So yeah, not having people around didn’t detract from it, but we had to be careful that it was actually funny.

Since you mentioned your background in journalism a bit, would you say that this body of work is closer to Lisa Lampanelli the writer or Lisa Lampanelli the comedian?
It’s definitely more comedian, because back in the days I used to interview bands and stuff and write about them. It’s almost like if I had interviewed myself, that was probably the book that had come out. But yeah, in the old days, I would definitely make the prose lively and really different than just plain-old rock journalism. But here, I had to just be me, and it kind of came out. It came out slow, but it came out anyway.

Did you draw on any of your journalism training to write this book?
No. If you’re a writer, you’re kind of born that way. In high school, I never had any talent in any other subjects than English. I don’t even remember how I got through math or science— that’s really freaking hard. So, if you’re meant to do something like this, it never goes away. While I haven’t written in 10 years, you have it there, and you just kind of fall back on it.

The good training was that I had to write a little essay about six months before [I wrote the book] for Reader’s Digest about the first time I got heckled. I was like, ‘Wow, I do remember how to write.’ It was like 2,000 words, and I was like, ‘If I have the confidence to do that, I’ll bet I can write this whole book.’ It all ended up kind of falling pretty easily that way.

Do you keep a diary? Is that how you draw from these reflections?
Oh no, I hate that. It’s like when people say ‘I have to journal.’ And ‘journal’ should not be a verb. It’s so freaking gay – it’s so Oprah-y. All I’ve ever kept was a gratitude journal, but I always forget to do it after three days, because I forget that it helps. I’ve kept a food journal from time to time, but one day I was like, ‘Okay, I’m not cheating on this bullshit.’ Never a journal.

Have you received any feedback from some of the key players that you mention in the book; particularly, some of the ex-boyfriends that you mention?
No. You know what’s good: pretty much the guy who I bottomed out on – that guy Tommy – some writer assumed that it was Tommy Chong. I’ve never met him! It’s pothead Tommy; Tommy Chong doesn’t answer the phone at the Comic Strip. That was hilarious. But no, him I haven’t talked to in two years, so I doubt he would be in touch – that’s definitely the person who gets shit on the most in the book. I’m pretty true in saying that it was partly my fault for dating someone like that.

I did ask my high school friend, who I write about a lot in the beginning, my first chubby white boyfriend, I asked him if it was okay to use his real name. He said no, because he has a business now and I said that he dealt pot or smoked pot or whatever, so I didn’t use his real name. But other than that, I haven’t heard from anybody. Maybe they’re afraid to get in touch with me. Good! Put fear in ‘em.

You haven’t heard from any of your rehab buddies?
Not yet. They’re actually cool. They stop by and come to shows and stuff, but there hasn’t been any real, ‘Hey, that was great.’ Those fuckers better buy it; they acted all supportive when I was in there. Let them freaking read a book. We’ve got to get to the best-seller list, c’mon!

Do you think the book will be sold in the self-help section?
I would think it should be, but they don’t get it yet. That’s what’s so funny; Oprah would love this book if she read the chapters on bottoming out, food addiction and codependency. She’d totally get it. But she’s such a self-serious cunt that she wouldn’t even bother to read a humor book – other than Steve Harvey’s [book] because he’s black – to see if there was anything in it. And that’s okay. It’s politically correct for Steve to say, ‘Think like a woman, act like a man,’ or whatever the fuck that stupid book was (actually, that book was good), but she would think, ‘Oh, that’s the woman that does the racism jokes, so I’m really not going to go there.’

It actually is something that Dr. Phil would read and go, ah, wow. That’s a really interesting story about somebody who really had these issues and is working on them and managing them. You know, I think it’s inspiring. I think it’s more uplifting than Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon.

What do you think is the most surprising thing you reveal in this book that your fans don’t already know about you?
Just probably that I am sensitive and I have that side of me. But they secretly know it [already]. You don’t laugh at somebody and come to see them two or three times who you don’t think has a heart. My fans, I think they get it, they get that I’m nice, that I’m nice after shows, that I always have respect towards everybody. But the book shows that wow, she has feelings too, which is really cool.

Jokes.com
Stand-Up: Lisa Lampanelli – The Queen of Mean
comedians.comedycentral.com

Have things changed for you since the book was published, in terms of your addictions?
Oh my god. Well, I took like a year and a half off from dating, and then I started dating again, but the quality of guys was much higher. The second I would meet a pothead or an alchie, I was like, ‘Hmm, that’s not for me.’ You just don’t try to change somebody; he’s just not for me. I was like, ‘This is great. The higher quality guy is shifting, gravitating towards me.’

I was having dates here and there, and then I got an email from a guy I’d met a couple of years earlier on The Jim Breuer Show, and it was very respectful, what he said. He was like, ‘I hope you remember me,’ and he’s this really good-looking womp who was like, ‘I think you could use a big Italian in your life.’ I emailed him back my number, we talked for three and a half hours on the phone, and four months later, we got engaged. He’s a nice guy. He’s like that rare combination of a guy who looks like he’s really built; he looks like he could fucking kill you, which I love about a guy, because I want somebody to feel threatened by him. I like a tough guy who inside is a big, mushy sensitive guy. So, that part of my life got a ton better.

As far as the food goes, it’s still a freaking struggle, every day. I have to keep it in check every minute, and we’re totally eating terrible this week because we’re out doing all this press, and I’m like, ‘Gotta get back to the gym. Gotta get back to the meetings.’ Those two things are always getting worked on.

It’s probably like alcohol addiction. They say it never really goes away; you’re always tempted.
Yup, absolutely. And you know, you have to have men, and you have to have food. So you can’t really just say, ‘I’m not doing this anymore.’ It is really hard, but thank god they’re not other addictions. It would be a lot worse.

I guess in some ways that makes it more complex, because unlike drug and alcohol addiction, you can’t just say no.
You have to police yourself. I have an addictive personality: thank god it wasn’t to things that are so terrible you could die from them. You know, unless you’re a 700-pound bitch. But it is one of those things where you just go, “Okay, this will never go away.”

What would you hope to ultimately accomplish with this book?
Well, I don’t want to sound shallow, but I want to freaking get on that bestseller list so bad. I really do. When I play theaters, I don’t check the numbers or the ticket counts, because I don’t want to get depressed if it’s bad. I don’t really check numbers, but my manager emailed me that it was number one in humor and number one in cook books, which I thought was hilarious. People thought Chocolate, Please was a cook book, which I love; I mean, the only recipe in there is how to make an Oreo cookie with the Wayans brothers. I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’

I’d love to get on the bestseller list, because that makes you feel good. Also, it only makes you feel good for a little bit. It’s so funny how like I used to date a guy who only had one movie role, and he felt good about that for a year. Like, he really felt good about it, and he was so proud of himself. For me, after two hours, I’m done; it doesn’t even register to me that it happened, and I’m on to what’s next. I mean, I enjoy the success, but I know that if I’m on the bestseller list, I could fall off next week. I directly go to ‘how do I do more?’ I’d love to get on the bestseller list, but it’s certainly not going to stick with me and make me feel better about myself.

I did get a kick out of one thing: I got an email from some girl who said, ‘I’m going to go to codependency rehab because of you, because I’ve been dating these terrible guys, so thanks.’ It sounds corny, but that was pretty cool.

To be honest, before I read your book, I didn’t even know that codependency rehab existed.
Oh, it’s the best thing in the world! It’s awesome; it really is. I love it. My fiance and I were talking about it. I have this thing where I don’t believe in being friends with exes, at all. I think it’s always bad; if you have to keep in touch with somebody because you’ve got kids together, that’s fine, but sorry; you’re not friends. I talked to my fiance about it, and I was like, “If somebody tries to get back in touch with me, I’ll be like ‘absolutely not, I’m engaged now.’

I had so much stress about this that I was literally driving myself crazy, going oh my god, what if somebody emails him? You trust that somebody who is a good person will really have the balls to say no. I was stressing so much that I was like, ‘Wow, these codependent tendencies are still there,’ and he said, ‘Hey, if you want me to go with you for a week to [the codependency workshop], I’ll go.’ And I was like, wow, that’s so cool. So it still comes up, and we may go again. I think it’ll be totally worth it. It’s like a little brush up on stuff that we should have been working on all along.

Jokes.com
Lisa Lampanelli – Pickle Kisser
comedians.comedycentral.com

Do you think that once you’re married it’s going to change your stand-up a little bit? Are you going to start doing marriage jokes?
Ew, ew, ew! The thing is, now I have jokes about him and me, but they’re all freaking hilarious. It’s not typical marriage shit. When I met him, I had eight minutes on his nut sack alone. Howard Stern loved all that shit, so I was like, ‘Well, if Howard likes it, I’ll bet it’s funny.’ I’m finding that a lot of my jokes are about him and about the relationship. They’re not mean, though; it’s weird. They’re not nice, but they’re not mean. They’re not touchy, warmy, fucking marriage material, but they’re not ‘hey, he’s an asshole’ either.

It’s weird how there’s this place in between that I don’t think I hear a lot of people go that’s kind of complimentary but still hardcore. I like that. It’ll definitely change the material, because you talk about whatever’s happening in your life, but it’s definitely edgier than a lot of stuff. I always go, ‘Oh, that’ll be the edgiest I get,’ but then it’ll get edgier and edgier. It’s like, holy shit., there’s just no rules, I guess. No boundaries.

But now that you’re not dating assholes, did you have to kind of change your material a bit?
No, because you just kind of go for what you’re feeling. I never sit down and write jokes: I never sit at a computer and go, ‘Let me write for two hours today.’ I just go with what comes out onstage, and then I punch it up, like if I’m mad, I’ll start talking onstage, and then it’ll end up into a bit. I still get to [my new material] the same way, so it’s like the genuine Lisa Lampanelli stuff; it’s just maybe slightly different subject matter, like how each of my DVDs is different from the last, just in terms of subject matter, but not really in tone.

For more info, check out Lisa’s official site at lisalampanelli.com.